bLlu3 aNg3L

2007-11-11T14:32:00.000+08:00

no,

the saga has not ended...

this end,

is just the beginning ...

friends and frienemies,

we shall meet where it begins...

2007-11-11T14:18:00.000+08:00

its sad ... i am so gg to miss u... aft all the the ups and downs we've been thru this one yr...
You been there for me... and i always turned to you..
i wished for you to hold a long long history of me.. yet all u can be is a sad part of my past...
U r my turning pt.. a pt i dont have e heart to leave... but i have to go... i really have to...
cos how it all started between us .. is wrong.. and what is all between us doesnt seem right to me anymore.. i dont have anything for u anymore.. there is nothing left in you for me to turn to... farewell me dear ... me love.. me blog... i hope u rot... beyond recognition someday... so that i dont tear at my painful past that u reflect...

2007-11-09T10:29:00.001+08:00

ah.. a change i am proud of..

for those who cant notice.. you can "where's wally "it!

2007-11-09T10:08:00.000+08:00

I'm a MESS

I'm A meSS

i'M a m3ss

just look at you!! you r a living failure!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE!!!!!

2007-11-09T10:05:00.000+08:00

i have no mood to blog...

I plan to make changes to this blog..

In view of the recent and upcoming alters in my life..

Changes.. will b made and known to those who need to no.

Yes my exams are o'er. It was OK.

i'm stoned.

i hate.

tsk.

...
..
.

2007-11-01T05:04:00.000+08:00

nothing beats eating a piece of black forest cake to supress the hunger pang at 4.55 am while waiting for dan and young's slot on 987fm to start... humphz.... bliss bliss....

P.S. i'm supposed to be mugging for my biz fin now... haha! :p

yaya! i will study! i will get down to it as soon as i publish this post...

2007-10-26T12:24:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the inactivity...

Ya.. i have an excuse...

A good one..

Really!!

hm... why dont believe me one!!!

haiya... I'm studying !!

CAN?!

2007-10-18T08:42:00.000+08:00

I feel even lousier...

Thanks to you!

I understad you have changed...

so have I!

I am not the weakling you used to know ..

I know wer i stand now.. to you and to the world out there...

Period.

2007-10-17T16:46:00.000+08:00

i feel very lousy..

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Like just never good enough...
A step lousier compared to any particular person for that mattter..
Be it my work , my studies, my life, they way i handle things, the way i talk, the way i look, EVERYTHING...

I admit.. this is not my best..
but hell.. i am tired.. phsically, mentally, emotionally..

I take the extra step to keep myself on track with work and school..
frankly speaking.. i can't remember a single thing i studied.. why the hell did i stay up for?
As for work.. I am damn well making an improvement .. but it is not good enough..
Am i not human.. I make mistakes! but jolly well learn..

i have a lead.. who does not practice wat she expects out of me herself...
and is totally inconsistent with the way she manages me..
Hell.. i am better than her when she did this work..
I dont see any point in OTing at all.. why should i?
when i say OT ... its wat they want.. till like 10 11 at night!
that ridiculous... I am underpaid.. i see no reason to work my butt out for this..
For the same effort i can earn loads! i dont plan to be a fool..

Yes yes.. i had an episode with the lead today..
and she has summoned for my big boss to come down and "talk" to me..
what can they do? fry me? bloody hell.. i am leaving.. for a better pay.. and the same work load... maybe even less.. they can find some other well-pitied-by-me ilichavaayan/vaayi whom they deem as better off than me.
Period.

Nah... this doesnt boost me a single bit... i still feel lousy..
Bhaz! i need sth to make me feel good abt myself ...
no no... spending on myself wont work...

Ok maybe i should continue to try my best..
I was promised better times... by myself haha! i think it'll take time eh?

What's joy without the struggle? Ok ok.. i'll try harder...
I'm going to super concentrate today and study super long!
I must must must... SCORE!! to hell with the job.. but i must SCORE!

Yes.. my priority is studies...

2007-10-16T09:09:00.000+08:00

I might not be blogging for awhile for the below mentioned reasons... plus a couple of other unmentioned reasons...

1) my exams are nearing... so i need to stop blogging at work.. so that i finish work on time to run home early and get more time to study

2) as anyone who reads this can notice.. my life is not at its best at the moment.. i am rather sick and tired of filling my blog with sad entries to makes no sense to a certain significant people... enough of wasting my time... the next time.. i intend to post a happified one.. and tt might take sometime

3) I am simply lazy.. so u mind?

Bhazzz!! ZzzZzz...

2007-10-16T09:01:00.000+08:00

I know the lord is there..
I swear! he's really there for me..

I'm loving him...

2007-10-09T16:55:00.000+08:00

My heart is convulsing…
Shocking..
How I fell so deep for you

Even more shocking it is..
That this could be it.
The dead end ..
For us.

What I felt..
A few have experienced..
Many have no idea..

What’s life after this?
It seems too blur
To be sure..

I feel jaded..
I under estimated me
I over estimated us..

I don’t pity me
I’ve come to know
The reality of the human nature

I have no one to blame
Except me..
My naivety..

Henceforth, I make a promise..
To respect myself..
To know my worth
To treasure my integrity
To choose my faith
To never be deterred by emotions
To never stumble in the name of love
To never question hardship
To never ever entrust my heart
To one who knows not the worth…

I promise you this… And now you’ll be safe
In the embrace of your very own integrity..
The lord’s by your side.. Fear not, your heart & soul is
Thus far from further detriment

I will nvr let anyone hurt me like this anymore! It does not matter you are to me.. This will be the last time I smile beyond my tears… I just promised myself that.

2007-10-09T09:28:00.000+08:00

And there is the dragging myself to work...

And the nearing exams & submissions..

And the gazillion other things yet to be done..

And the nvr enough sleep..

And the silent turmoils..

And the unspoken regrets..

And the lack of direction...

And the lost hope..

And the over eventful life..

And the foolish me..

What a thing to wake up to?

I need a change..

A new routine..

But I can't..

Not till it's all o'er...

2007-10-08T15:21:00.000+08:00

Today is one of those days I want to go home at sharp 5.30...

Probably attributable to the fact that i am freezing..

Maybe I'm down thanks to a realisation session last night..

Or maybe because of a bad tummy...

BOO!

2007-10-08T13:18:00.000+08:00

why is it that wen i have a jacket .. i don't need it and its extremely warm in this room...
And why is when i don't have a jacket.. It rains outside i start to freeze inside?

2007-10-08T09:46:00.000+08:00

The last weekend was a fruitful one..I managed to keep up to my Rev TT. Only weak point is that my project has got a long way to go and its due this Thursday. Speaking of Thursday, someone special is coming over. I'm so looking forward to that. I feel super loved.WeeEEee!!

As for how things took a turn in my life lately. I have nothing much to say. I realised a few things though. I really need to know when to open my mouth and when to shut it! I realised that i have inadvertently deprived myself of certain things. Yes, I know it is not good to regret or think of the what ifs and could haves. I was like <-> this close to what could have been a more desirable turning point at that time. Why did i have to force myself blindly? Why did behave like i am being all so filial and holy when it wasn't really required of me? I feel really stupid. What on earth was I thinking. I had a chance to have a choice, but did not use it. Stupid? yes.. Sad thing is that, even my parents couldn't help. I was not making it conducive for them to make a balanced decision? My fault? yes... See this is what desperation and having no control over my emotional self did to me.. If only i stopped, took time and thought through for at least a day or two rather than to question why the hell was all that happening to me.. .. like DAMN! what a waste... It was there... right in front of me... dangling for my taking... and i saw thru it.
Stupid to the power of a million can?

To all parents and children.. It impossible to know exactly what is running through each others' minds. Don't be guessing. That is being very hard on yourself. Open you mouth and heart and talk... don't question.. listen.. enquire .. but don't question.. give each other time.. and talk about it again... It saves so much trouble. This responsibility lies one both parents and children. One cannot make do without the other.

regrets... regrets... and more regrets...
Being stubborn and ignorant is nvr going to help... I admit, i made a mistake. And how my life turned out was actually & basically my fault. For the first time i feel so sorry for being all about myself. I realise now.. but its too late for some things... then again not too late to start a brand life. I feel proud to open heartedly say that this was my fault and realise why and what i could have done, and i feel an ounce wiser. Regrets.. ya it sucks but it'll go away in time. Better things will come by.. or so I say to myself.

I met a friend on Sunday, been sometime since I've seen her. I kinda miss us updating each other every other weekend. I am not sure why, but I actually shared with her the exact details of my problem. She then understood my dilemma. She offered to help me out. Thanks gal. She also dropped a few trusty hints on what she thinks i should be doing and she gave one very good advice. Yes gal, you drove point real good. Time.. take your time. I will. A decision taken in a rush is almost always never satisfactory.

I know that some form of a supreme power is assisting me in many ways through this adverse conditions. I owe a million thank yous and gazillion sorries for not bothering to notice what all you have done for me. Till this morning, i had a fear that things may simply take a turn again. That I may not have a choice. That scared me. But i realised that, ultimately its my choice. I have to seize this right and keep it safe with me.

A certain significant person is very confused and has a very bad habit of pushing and imposing and insisting and yelling or what ever it takes for you to eventually say that he is right. Which is down right wrong. It's ok to be a devil's advocate but not OK to take an opposite stand all the time simply because you feel you are in a better position or any wiser. You could be wise, but your anger has blinded that. What is the point in insisting that you r right there and then even though whatever I say could be right but eventually am forced to nod in agreement to whatever you say... and then later you come back to say something totally different like as thought it was sth it came across your mind.. and that was my point in the first place!! Just look at that! Very painstaking! You may not be in a better position either. Cos the atual fact is that, how you have been predicting(Or should I say, what you have brought yourself to believe) my relationship has been all the while is not true. I know better! Only I know.. I am in a better position to judge if there is any hope. So, leave it to me please. Thank you. I'm not going allow your fickle mindedness to be contagious. I've had enough of that. I'll stick to my own agenda, which I have been sticking to all the way. It was you, who disagreed at first.. then came up to the idea which i had already thought of .. so not exactly an idea... then turning back and forth.. blahz! enough enough... I'll decide... give me time.. that'll do. I have the lord by my side... and since i know it now more than ever.. I know I'll make a good decision when the time comes..

On a random note... The office on the 9th floor of my work place building was broken into. Despite all that security. And what of our homes? Scary isn't it? My super sweet Jacky is not a guard dog by nature... maybe a watch dog. Not a very reliable form of security i would say.

2007-10-03T11:18:00.000+08:00

Do you love me?
How much?

Do you love me enough to admit something you have not over a decade?
Do you love me enough to stick to a job you hate to the bones till you grow old?
Do you love me enough to take my word for it all the time?
Do you love me enough to trust that i will never intend to control you?
Do you love me enough to remember every second in your life that whatever I do, I will hold my best interests for u at heart?
Do you love me enough to accept whatever short faults and change it whole heartedly?
Do you love me enough to do everything you do not just for my sake but with all due diligence?
Do you love me enough to let go of everything, take my hand and let me lead you?
Do you love me enough to let go of your dreams & take the most pragmatic path for our happiness?
Do you love me enough to face all challenges patiently & with confidence that you are not alone?
Do you love me enough to give yourself to me heart, soul & mind forever?

I dont know.. I don't think so...

2007-10-03T10:21:00.000+08:00

There is hope for us to be...
no doubt about that...
but
how the fruits of it is to be harvested
is in your hands...

Even that... needs the efforts and the patience
of one who rears a bonsai plant...

Are you capable of that?
No ... i don't think so..
At least from how much i have seen
from you up till now..

How badly is my presence needed?
I don't care...
It's all about whats in there for me to walk back into..

The way i see it..
is naught but a lifetime of uncertainty...
& I am damn well sure i don't derserve that
I've mentioned this one before and i will do so again..
I'm not going to blame fate
for i have a choice...

You are in no position to judge me now..
Or serve expectations according to my age..
My biggest disappointment is YOU..
not your condition..
even the lies i can let go..
IT IS YOU!!

I dont want to go back to that YOU!!
thats that!

If there is anything that change that..
Which i doubt... its still YOU!
how are you gg to change YOU?!
you won't! you can't and i dont expect you to..
let me be...
JUST LET ME GO!

am i not human..
don't you think i'd just wish that
I could just ignore all these like it nvr happened
just come home and hug you like good old times
how can i do that now?! with YOU harbouring such thoughts...
with YOU acting like our relationship was perfect .. it was actually tolerance!
You will change... now that things have come this far...
how long will that last? 1 yr2, yr... why after we have a kid or two..
then WHAT?! what's in it for ME!?!
notice how i nvr really asked that question when it came to both of us..
can you even remember a single time i was this selfish?
u canT!
but now i am... cos the time and situation calls for it..
I'm no mother theresa k? I'm normal..

You lied.
Underestimated me..
You lazed
You are irresponsible.
you had no fire to excel
you lived for the day.
What are you?

You simply can't stand the fact that i'm being ambitious..
Have i ever told you that i can't stand the fact you lack any direction?!!!
It never bugged me much... maybe at tiny weeny corner of my heart... yes..
but noW! It means alot more! My very decision is dependent on the type of mindset you have..
The way I see it.. It's bleak.. no light at the end of the tunnel..

All you want is a nod-head-all-the-time doll..
somone who's naive and takes your word for it all the time..
Trust you unconditionally...
and never question you at all..

let me b brutally truthful to u..
what YOU want.. does not reside in me..
and YOU are not worth me changing either!!
Because... you are nothing of what i expected...
simple as that.. if you want me to take you for who you are..
then this is who i am ..
And when this whoever i am makes a decision..
SHE'LL STICK TO IT!!

You are very caring person..
You did many small things that surprised me...
But how long is that going to last?
You are not my PA..
you are more than that..
Neither am i a doll...
I'm more than that!
A million sorries..
And a zillion assuring phrases that all will be fine..
is not enough.. not even close to making me feel any better..
it only means that you all are missing the whole POINT!

Just what on earth were you thinking of me?
I can ask you so many questions you have no answer for..
Did you actually think i'd chicken away like that..
DO you know that it this thought that is driving me away..
I know you will always sympathize with me and go
oh poor little gal...
really i don't need that...
I've been through a fair bit in my life..
enough to handle things the way i do...
You'll nvr be able to convince yourself that..
so you'll nvr be able to convince me..
that things will be normal after this..

A lifetime with you is not 5 or 6 yrs..
its almost half a century...
you & i have no idea how long it is..
The vastness of it with you..
simply scares me...

you sounded so helpless over the phone..
I pity you.. I also know that pity is not enough to live a lifetime..
Like i said.. if there is any hope..
it's so tiny... rare...
that its hard to pick out and work it out..
you have to either fight YOU
or let it go...
that is the bottom line choice..
and the choice to for me to make..
not you.. or your parents.. or my parents.. or my siblings!
NOONE BUT ME!
this is about all i can assure.....

Leave me be! ALL OF YOU!! just leave me be...

2007-10-01T10:42:00.000+08:00

Today is the 1st of Oct 07

1st day of a very significant month to me...

haha.. a sigficant few know why!! keke!

haiz.. giggling and smiling always remind me that i have lost that someone i can share it with..

I didn't even loose it.. i dropped it.. haiz! sounds mean? ya.. sure it does..

Remember the series.. Zena ( or was it Xena?) the warrior princess?

She had a bestie she loved with all her heart.. Gabriel. There was this episode where

Gabriel was having a child.. the child of the devil himself or sth to that extend.

Obviously Xena was to destroy it..Gabriel like any other mother to her child went all out to protect it.. the baby was so cute and innocent with the blue eyes.. like how eveil could it get?!

Xena was caught.. one hand she loves her bestie and understands that the baby is very impt to her... other hand.. she had to do wat she had to do...

See i am stuck in such a situation.. the right thing to do.. and the emotional setbacks..

Well.. how many times am i to repeat this..

Back to October!

I've been trying to follow my rev TT relegiously... but i wandered off a little yesterday.. I got distracted...

see jacky has been unwell. He's been visiting the bathroom like quite often.. and there were very visible traces of blood in this urine... so poor thing.. we kind of suspect that he either has UTI, ate something dumb, or rammed himself against god knows where and got an internal injury..

Haiz... i really hope it's nothing serious... This huggable creature has been my only solace in many ways... and about the only thing that makes me forget what i really am going thru when i hug him... a very commonly used phrase... but i mean it... he's one of the best things that happened to my life...

Back to studying... Looks like keeping to TT will be a little challenging but not impossible. As long as i get to come home immediately after work... which doesnt happen sometimes... then on those days i have to stay up...

Office people have been easy on me... but i can see it's all about tolerence .. not sympathy..

A good no. got promoted.. and i didnt.. solely cos i am new... or so they say.. but they have no reason to give me one either.. i think that is the truth. I feel my performence is low generally at work... i am not sure if my work is demanding, just fine or easy ... I haven't had enough experience to judge that.. i do know that i am being underpaid though.. my bosses know that too.. they openly speak of it even. They claim they ensure growth... but for me... its the flexibility that keeps me here... Frankly speaking, i don't see this place as a long term thingy. Who cares about growth? I can get that from other places too! It's the $$ that matters doesnt it? Growth is not just promotions and exposure, its the standard of living too... and for that we need more $$. However, I have no particular plans.. now that my sense of direction has been shattered thanks to you know wat..

Home.. is squeezy... haha! but cozy.. since i feel rather jaded most of the times... i tend to either just laze or move it and finish my agenda for the day... thats all.. One thing though.. It really feels good to be home.. feels good to have someone to talk to at home.. someone who is very close to you at heart and also situation wise.. someone god sent to us.. as my friend and as my anni.. Just her presence and her giggles, her calling out for my name with oh so gentle and sweet voice, and many other things about her... makes my day.. not to mentioned the fantastic food she makes.. sometimes i feel i might be taking advantage of her.. i should work on that.. It just feels super good to have her around ... but some day life will go on.. and she'll be too bz for me haha! haiz.. then i'll b on my own agn.. sad isnt it.. at least it'll b sometime b4 that some day turns up.. maybe i shouldnt care... i should just probably bug her! keke!

School is all about my exam TT at the moment! OMG! haiz.. i want to score.. but i think that is near impossible now...

Beyond all that i have typed until now.. I just realised that this about the worst thing that has ever happened to me... and i still feel steady.. so many little things have happened to me before and they felt like a tragedies ... but this? I feel proud... but wierd..

Maybe like my mom say's God has other plans for me.. and part of it is to let me catch up with MY life...

Then again in due time... i know i'll be facing the real challenges... be it my social life, school, work, my parents.. etc. Somethings have a very high possibility of getting back to square one... and those somethings... may not be to my liking? *shakes the head*

Still... some corner of my head goes.. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings!

BUT!! You know something? I am a very blessed person..

:)

2007-09-28T13:15:00.000+08:00

Guess what i had for lunch?

I was down.. lathargic...
I need to sth to perk me up!
I wanted sth spicey and chilled out type...

So i took a walk to 7 eleven and bought myself a chillie crab instant noodles which was super spicy... Like my chithappa says.. the food's spicyness is shiok only when you cna feel it on ya lips!! fuuuaah!! it burning man and i'm loving it!!

And.. i got myself a nice chilled bottle of vanilla frapuucino.. surprising?! ya i no i don't take coffee... but i didn't want red bull... so i got myself this.. a little caffaine would help ya?
And its quite nice.. happy lunch = happy worker...

See.. if i see to the simplest things in my life.. maybe i can be a happier person on the whole..
and who knows... my mojo might just come running back to me for good.. i miss me mojo.. :(

2007-09-28T11:34:00.000+08:00

I just realised something..

After i replied aarthi's and vaani's tags this morning...
I need inspiration..I totally forgot about it..cos i totally lost it!!

What aarthi told me lasted me a few hours and i came back to read it again. I told meself "Get moving!! " I can't possibly seeking external inspiration every few hours. My 1st paper is on the 31st next mth. Thats not really much time and i've done nothing in terms of revising other than planning a revision TT. It is a step... but i've got a long way to go. I need that drive!! It's GONE!!!!

AARRRR!!!! The fire to excel with an "I dont care" attitude has been put out all thanks to my domestic challenges. The best part is.. it's still not over... And it won't be over till in a very long time.. Over that! Things may take a turn any time any where.. How am i supposed to be focused like this?!! I know it sounds like an excuse.. but haiz.. ya maybe its an excuse.. maybe I am pitying myself too much. But even if i behave thick skinned, it shrivels every now and then at the thought of certain events... Even that may be an excuse... right?

I'm simply off track now.. I can't think straight or focus for even a span of ten minutes.. What kind of a responsible adult that my parents see me as behaves like that! Much to my dismay, I can't help it.. urgh!

My mom says that i should use this chance and channel all my strength on my studies, work and music (She says, "just these 3 things!").. see if it is anger it a different thing altogether. It's plain blue disappointment... whats there to channel.. It's only draining me..It's draining all the energy out of me when i try to remain clam/sane...

I know things could get alot worse.. thank god a zillion that i have the 4 of them to tap my confidence and smiles from. We all are sharing the same regrets and sorrow.. It's comforting to know i am not alone..

See.. this is how i know god has shown his grace on me..

He can only help so much... the rest is up to me right?
That is why i am complaining... Cos I am not getting down to it...
I am behaving like such a weakling...
I need to get that Arse on the move!
Where's that "Heck every thing else..
I'm gg to lead my life my way. the RIGHT WAY" DRIVE?
where can i find it?
That's the only thing missing right now...
of cos... alot of other things and people are missing in my life..
but for now...
The impt thing is the NEED... i need a DRIVE!!!
I want to stop living day by day.. event by event.. task by task..
I can't ... i hate to feel helpless
I want To live thru days.. weeks... months...
and look forward to the years to come..
I need to grab a hold of my life now...
now now now!!!

*jumps out of the chair in search of mojo*

ya i wish!~

2007-09-27T13:17:00.001+08:00

I just bought me a pair of shoes!

Since my old one broke... i have an excuse!!

Its a little heely and ex too...
My mom is probably gg yelp at the sight of it!

The BIG PLUs is ITS LEATHER!! yayness!!

Haha! oh hell!
i need to spurge a little $$ on poor me right now..
perks me up a little... eh?!

2007-09-27T11:34:00.000+08:00

Remember the pair of shoes you bought me?

The pair that i commonly wore to work...
the Pretty ones that always boost my confidence for the day..
cos it made me feel tall and sexy...
The pair which cause loads of blisters which lasted super long..
The pair that took so long to season..
The pointy black pair..
Yes, those lovely ones..
I really loved it...
cos YOU bought it for me..
thats why i felt extra pretty in it...

Guess what...
The heels cracked..
I didn't fall though..
Thank god i found out b4 i fell..
Now i'm going to buy myself a new pair..

Funny how this happened now of all times..
doesnt it all sound familiar?
Haha! Yes it occured to me..
That's why i'm bloggin about it..
think about it...

2007-09-27T10:33:00.000+08:00

My mind, heart and soul are slowly setting back to synch
They are almost done with the oscillation of setting themselves to the recent changes in my life..

There are still the set backs, hesitations, ambiguity...
but yes.. i'm almost there..

A new life..
is on the way..

Just you wait my friend..
You have loads in store for you..
a Zillion challenges..
A gazillion terrible moments..
And for each ..
I am assured a smile..
not by u
not by me..
not by anyone in particular..
Its just faith..

Brace yourself..
you have a tough ride ahead of you...

May god and love be by my side always..

UP!
UP!
& AWAY!!

2007-09-24T11:46:00.000+08:00

everything has changed... its still changing... and alot more will be changing..

Nothing is absolute or confirmed..
not yet...

but part of my brain is... moving way too fast...
another part is still insisting on taking some time..

no... it doesnt suck..

its just...
just..
i really lack the words to explain..

really i'm fine.. probably cos i'm not the only one in this whole trash..

but i'm still apprehensive.. ya.. not like i've been thru this before..

What if suddenly everything was supposed to fine and we took it differently..
that's the only wat if...

Really i'm not so used to making selfish decisions...
my heart is feeling all so twitchy about it..
then again.. i know its not wrong..

I've learned that as we grow old..
There is no perfect line between the right and wrong..
some things are more wrong than others
some things are more rights than others..
some things just may not be right or wrong at all..
some things.. may be one to you.. and something else to another..

all those some things... can be really hard on you..
when its the matter of the heart...
most of the time..
it is..

this whole irony..
this is wat overwhelms me..

but not that i've tumbled and i'm pieces now..
I'm fine..
maybe shocked...
but fine..
just fine..

May the lord be with me..
I know he is..

I shall visit you some time.. loves!

2007-09-21T15:40:00.000+08:00

Is this all really happening to me..
Am i just exaggerating my emotions..
or is it just this big bad dream..

TSK!

Just a year and half ago ... what was i...
now.. wat am i..

too much in too short a time...
can i handle it?
can you shanti?

2007-09-21T12:11:00.000+08:00

you called today..
immediately after i made my decision..
was god testing me?
haven't the faintest idea..

I didn't feel bad..
cos something told me..
i wasn't wrong..

Baby i want a future..
and if possible with you..

I 've begged and cried..
yet you turned deaf..
i know i can't blame you..

thats why..
i have to go..
cos i have no say..

Thank you
for the zillion wonderful moments..
thank you..
for making me who i am
Thank you..
showing what love is..

but no thanks baby..
I can't be with you..

Its unfair i know..
but its unfair... that
you have a wife not cut for you..
its also unfair that
i was kept in the dark.. intentionally
its unfair.. that
we both didn't have a choice
Its also unfair.. that
things turned out this way..

for once let us be fair to ourselves..
lets give each other wat we need..

2007-09-21T11:59:00.000+08:00

You felt i was fighting for equality..
You felt i was not giving you your rightful space..
i don't care what state you were..
cos i know where it's coming from..

You always confided in me..
but only the bits and pieces..
how cld you expect me to help you..
really i was lost..

Even then i still tried..
but it was nvr good enough..
and so now, i'm just another person..
who is jeopardizing your individuality...

And now.. i shall do one last favour
as your wife..
that is to give you back..
what you thought you lost..

Now you are on your own...
unanswerable to me..
no instructions and pleas..
you to yourself..
i hope you are happy..

cos this is about all that i can offer..
beyond which, i know you'll hate me..
like you did the rest..

the least i could do..
is to let you be..

goodbye
my
love

2007-09-20T16:34:00.000+08:00

you know wat scares me the most..

That i'm going to be just another person in your life..

That i'm not the special someone to you anymore..

Please tell me its not like that..

cos i'll loose my reason to live..

if it so..

2007-09-20T14:51:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling that pang deep within my rib cage..
Very tempted to rip my heart out and leave it in the freezer for a while..

Seemed like yesterday when i was boasting how great a life i was having..
now it all slipped out of my hands..

Yesterday... when i was forced to reflect and judge...
i came to many conclusions and solutions..
One of which was about the most drastic it could in a marraige..
Such an option... doesnt seem impossible at the situation i am in..
I know its my wish.. but.. haiz..
What next?

i get this dead end feeling..

so, whats the point of
i told you so
would have
could have
if only
why
me
...
..
.

2007-09-20T10:54:00.000+08:00

so many posts within such a short time... despite the fact that i am in the office with so much to catch up on... can you imagine how disturbed i feel?

It disturbing... to know that i was intentionally put into this situation... why me?
what on earth made you think i can go thru this?
a mess you created..
and you wanted to clean it up at the expense of my sanity?
Who are you to make such a decision?
I still love, care and respect you..
but yor are a major diappointment..
Now.. i'm stuck for many blissful moments i had..
U always had your way..
but you forgot to think for me right?
Why?

Sleep well my vigil keeping...
At least you should have it..

2007-09-20T10:51:00.000+08:00

so many beside me.. supporting and caring for me..

yet i feel that i am fighting a personal war...
on my own...
maybe with myself..

haiz.. and i so thought that nth could go wrong for me anymore...

I thought... that bad times are gone for good..

why is this happening? what did i do?

2007-09-20T10:48:00.000+08:00

i just realised something...

God loves me sooo much... in fact too much...

Be careful what you wish for shanti...

Haiz.. this is not the first time..

I'm sorry mom and dad...

2007-09-20T09:39:00.000+08:00

the last time..

I felt sorry for you...

This time..

I feel sorry for myself..

Next time.. I fear ..

I may feel nothing..

2007-09-20T08:58:00.000+08:00

finally received my deserved slumber..
Felt like eons ago..
when i slept knowing tmr is gg to be just fine..

It feel stronger at heart..
for anger resides within..
My body feels weak..
yet the image of your hostile face..
drove me to work..

disappointed...
i am.. cos of how u've been judging me..
and acting like everything was fine with me..
when you had to tolerate..
everytime you felt that i was trying to b better than you..
when i was just trying to better myself..
for you..

i don't expect equality..
i only beg to differ..
i don't expect you to give credit for everything i say..
but all i want is to tell you my piece..

its always the perception that comes between us..
yet you shut it within
& only showed the perfections..
only to blind this fool...
and shock her the last minute..

I was selfish to you when i was there for you..
Now i plan to take that as an advice..
And i shall do so..

Until yesterday..
I was all about you..
but today.. u are part of me..
the rest.. is going to be just me..
Cos i have come to know ..
what i deserve and what i don't

I may sound unfair..
but life hasn't been that fair to me either..
notice that i'm still not blaming you..
thats cos u may think that i'm weak..
but its the strength thats keeping me sane..

Problems are problems when they don't have a solution..
If it's something that is gg to recur..
am i expected to make do..
mind you.. here i won't blame fate..
for i have a choice..

Think hard.. think fast..
b4 you loose me..
either by heart, soul, or mind...
you choose..

You have tainted my soul

way too deep..

i'm still not blaming you..

I only blame your ignorance..

2007-09-19T17:08:00.000+08:00

I'm relieved... but in shock
I'm scared... but confident
I feel bad.. but angry
I'm exhausted.. but anxious
I feel strong.. but have new found phobias
I'm lost... but clear
I feel hopeless.. but i feel lighter
I miss you... but i feel peaceful
I'm sorry... but i wont blame me..
I love you.. but is it the same?

Basically i'm a walking container full of contradictions...
All cos i'm mad at you...
cos i'm mad about u..

The room haunts me..
And i blame you for it..
Yet i can only sleep in that bed..

Every door slammed..
Every car started..
Every ride in a car..
Every sound of running water..
Every wet pillow..
Every dishevelled bed..
Every neatly arranged set of items..
Every Lit candle..
Every Carton of marigold fruit jiuce..
Every morning 4.45am..
. . .

Love you so much..
yet i hate you so much..
But can't blame you..
And i won't pity you

You hurt me beyond bearing..
Yet i stayed..
Only to show that i'm strong..
But u thought i was weak

Your words stung me..
and my heart twitched..
never thought thought i'd feel this way..
but you taught me that..

You showed so much hate..
& i thought it was for real..
i still suspect so..
Was all that we hugged and laughed for
a charade?
You make me wonder..

I was told..
none of it i should give heed to..
but if its not real..
then where did it come from?

Time heals all wounds...
But is this a wound..
or has a curse been put on me..

You raised hell.. in the name of love
I stood by you
even though it burned me to shells..
All you did was to panic..
shouldnt you be laughing at youself instead?

I love you..
& want a lifetime with you..
But do i have a price to pay...
Am i to pay all my life...
Can my sanity endure..

You threw so many irrelevant Qs..
which led to me questioning my life...
You even questioned who i was to you..
When i was all about you...

You made me do things..
things i once sweared i'd nvr do to myself..
Thats how much u meant to me
But it meant nth to you..
At least then..

You said i'm a selfish..
which part of allowing you to do this to me is selfish?
Which part me was not worrying the shit out of me..
for you...

You made me feel like a 3rd person..
at the same time..
you made me feel responsible for all that you were..
Basically, u made me a fool

You laughed..
at my fear...
not that i feared u..
i feared for you..

you basked in my confusion..
but that helped in my decision...
Decision that its high time that you...
you know what...

Now you sleep with peace by your side..
When you wake..
it's a brand new start
till then i'll pay my price... for god knows what..
but i'll pay with the unconditional wait
and more if i have to..
cos i said god knows..

in love and hope i may wither...
but in the lord I will trust..
for he's my one and only salvage..
constantly.. unconditionally... truely..

Even this post... i didn't write it for me.. so u would you understand why? I doubt my friend.. i doubt...

P.S. Friends. Please don't ask me anything... I is fine... anyways.. whats life w/o its ups and downs huh?

2007-09-17T13:51:00.000+08:00

I'm fine now already... i'm at work... i feel as good as normal... although a little dazed... good enough...

All will be fine...

2007-09-17T11:21:00.000+08:00

fate has been really driving me to the edge lately...
everything is not wat i had hope or prayed for..
well not really everything... almost.

i truely believe god will nvr put me thru things i can't handle... or at least w/o help..BUT!!
I have come to a point where i think letting things happen might be easier on me.. rather fighting till my sanity dries out... But that's selfish... i want to fight... i want to help.. but!
i can only do so if i am allowed to do so.. You can't lead 'e way when you're blind.. blind i am for i am as lost as anyone could be..

I guess as we grow up..
1) when we take a look behind, we feel glad to have gone thru all that shit we went thru.. and a million dollars good for having to overcome it.... and then u feel invincible..
2) more complex problems crop up... and you forget all that you had done to pull thru up till now... and then you feel helpless...

we swing back and forth 1 & 2... really in my opinion its harrowing... i call it the roller coaster..
ironically, i love such joy rides .. i meant the real ones like MGM & escape...

There is the good old saying "true love is the ultimate lasting hope". Yes, it doesn't require any form of reason... cos it simply lasts... but! frankly speaking love has been the make and break for me when in need of hope...

So, when in dire need of hope or just something to cling on to in order to retain my sanity... i converse with the some supreme power i have no idea about but somewhat have a good impression and trust upon... He/she will get around to providing what i need.... i truely believe that... the keyword is.. need ... not want... It helps...

Fate has a warped sense of humor really...
cos when i asked why.. i felt like a fool.. today i feel really thankful..
I know my time is not good... but i'm still ok
That! i owe to all the testy times fate has put me thru...

FATE! taught me that we all are here to strive and go through hardship to better ourselves... or to be specific... our soul... at the end of the day... our body dies.. and our soul lives on... there is no escape from our problems. It is mandate to face it, solve it, handle it or what ever you have to do but... death is no solution... why i say so... you can come and ask me personally ... i can explain..

the best part is that i learnt about this at a very crucial point of my life... so crucial that i had to choose if i were to live and make do or die a stubborn person... you have a choice to start to live or end your life...(mind you i'm stubborn by nature) ... cos dying is very easy... as easy as being born...but what happens before or after your decision is not your choice... sounds unfair.. but it is good for us...

So this! this... help me to get thru when the going gets tough... besides... we all have a reason to live... and that reason is to better our soul... via conditioning and culturing...

Everything has an answer... its all got to do with whether you are willing to see it and accept it...

Have faith shanti... have faith...
Give fate a fighting chance...

2007-09-14T16:12:00.000+08:00

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Plain Blue Disappointed...

In my veins blood has company..

E' uninvited seathing anger...

The day this cease..

is my peace...

I've yet to say my piece..

but in my patience you feast..

Beg you not..

For it's our knot..

forget that not!

Why am i even tolerating this...

i don't have to...

2007-09-13T13:34:00.001+08:00

Meena:

the LATE past

e' present

e' NEAR future

yes i know... i had a major lack of updates lately...

well the excuse the same old "no time!"... and really! its true..

Lately.. loads happened... for a starters.. i recovered from a bad stomach flu which caused me 3 days mc plus a miss out on my biz fin test... next i had my sis law moving in to sg for gd... the best part were the two boys.. i've grown close enough to love them to bits!! they were staying with us for a while... but now they are moving to their own place.. blahz! oh well... atleast they'll come every now and then... b4 i know it.. i'll be having kuttys of my OWN! which frankly speaking, I am so looking forward to... ya i know.. sounds a little old school and typical... but really my mind set has changed... don't ask me to explain hows and whys...... its just like THAT!.. ya..

School.. my BF lecturer openly expressed his disappointment in my absense of test... 10 of them had ful marks... 16 of them had 1 mark less than a full mark.... like what a waste right?
the prjs SBnA is handlable.. i got a capable group.. my CA is a killer... which i wish i nvr had to take... test or prj they both kill! no buffers! the submission is this sat... and the relevant topics havent been completed... and plus.. a loadful of ambiguitites in the questions.. urgh! someone summon a miracle for this one please!!

Work... my poor CLSF teamates of the AP department have been moved ( or should i say stuffed!) into a kutty meeting room which 3 of us share (1 more is supposed to join us anytime soon and then there will be 4 of us)... every goon who knows us and happen to walk pass our room and go all so wow for having our own room with privacy... and that its cozy and all bla bla bla.. really thats all there is to the positive side of moving in ... everything else about it is simply inconvinient! the topper of it all is the LACK of SPACE!! but since cozy appeals to me alot, i'm getting rather fond of it...

Home... has been generally good... me husby and i have been sand papering each other's patience a little.. but well.. i guess its the rise of activity level at home... maybe it me.. maybe its him... a tinge of worry at the corner of my heart but it all get buffered by the all so warmly warm hugsies we share at the end of it all.. but still worried.. blahz! i get the feeling that its nothing actually... but still worried.. haiya! LOLz!

i miss my mother in law for some strange reason... we haven't been having our "quality" time together lately... yapz! she's the next best mom after my own... ya.. i love her...

My husby's grandma is here too! really she's sweet... more cute than sweet... most of the times she makes up for all that i lost out as a granddaughter lately... haiz... people will always be... hm.. people. i don't wish to brood over it too much because if one opens his/her eyes wide enough... you can see that god has been kind enough to make up for what you lost... e.g you loose your besty... somehow u get a new found friend... maybe a better one! friendship and love nvr ends... its the outlets and the inlets that may need occasional changes and repairs like normal pipes.

My sister in law is a gem... and i love her. nuff said! :D

School... is like booooo! cos i have been super duper slackening.. both my CA(corporate accounting) and BF(Business Finance) is getting rather alien mode now... especially CA.. you know the... "i attend the class i totally understand but the next time i see the notes i go what the hell is this?!" kind of feeling.. ya... to top it off... my exams are coming in like a mth and a half... and my current status is not CMI ... its CMIAA!!!! iooo... *drops dead*. I only got two papers this sem... buuuuuuuuuuuuuttt... both are very heavy ones... as good as having 3... *meena, either start studying or praying... or both!*

as for myself... I getting this feeling that i am drifting... not deliberately for sure... I something tells me that i'm also rotting in my behaviour lately (predominantly due to tiffs between me and achbee lately.) My drive to study has also dispated.... i'm not sure if its cos i 've become lazier... or because it am way too used to this life that i start to slack...or is it that ... I AM GROWING OLD??!! therefore tired and all... haiz... i lost my mojo to work my butts off... Where was that "umph!" ? Maybe i can find it again ... thru the older posts... my husby? my sis in law... she's super hardworking... maybe i should just schedule the revision TT and get on with it... at least start by studying for the sake of completing your agenda for the day ... I really need to work it!

that's all for now guys... my lunchtime has flown... shall post sth more concrete. later.. yap!

till then .. adioz!

2007-08-13T15:04:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I got it from vaani's OD! hehehe... :p

2007-08-06T15:33:00.000+08:00

Work is getting rather mundane. Almost every working day i wake up hearing the inner me screaming for a change - leading to the first few mutterings my husby hears in the morning " I don't want to work today.. i feel so sleepy." Now that i am more awake than that... i can dare say feeling sleepy is just an excuse. I just don't want to face the boring old ERAPs. It's getting at me.. OK fine.. so i should go for it and try to make some changes right? Oh but no!! my practical side hurls the thought away by listing the many reasons why it should stay just the way it is.. BOO! To think that something as complex as this runs through me head every morning (except for the weekend) makes me feel like a partially pre-programmed lump of flesh. Thank god that it is only from 8am - 6 pm. Then i resume to living for real.

To be a pure full fledged accountant, one has to be accustomed to repetitive, boring, no life kind of commitment. Accounts as a subject has always been fun. Work? ah ah! no ways.. At work, you tend to be in charge of something in particular. Like a new toy, at the beginning its all so amusing. It challenges you to get used to it. You struggle.. then make things work out for you. Viola! You've reached a stable point.. then wat happens? ah.. see, when you are on a down right low level in the career ladder... nothing happens.. your ICs are happy with you and they leave that work for you to handle now that you've mastered it...

For an instance .. me..
I work for the best Accounting co. right after the Big four... oh wow! then since i work for the outsourcing department i get to be posted to VISA International ... Oh wow wee!! But not for long my friend... or at least that was wat my former TL (team leader) advised when i told her that i found the job exciting. It was exciting cos i was going to learn two new systems namely ORACLE and ARIBA. Thankfully things came one step at a time. (although at every additional step, it required a wee bit of extra effort and planning before accomplishment). Basically my job now is all about employee cash claims (e.g. airfare, hotel, transport, OT allowances, mobile etc.). This job requires look outs for uncountable details. Those who know me will be probably laughing... cos details and remembering them is so off for me.. but ya i managed to work it out with practice (it actually helped me out personally too). Everyday i receive on the acerage of about 20 reports. The rate varies somewhat like a parabola curve throughout a month. Each report either consists of a travel, usual monthly expense or some really problematic back log that my current TL pulled out. I scrutinize and either approve or escalate for exceptional approval.

I spend 3 years long in a poly... where i learnt a wide range of biz, acctng n finance skills... I know full set accounts .. we did internal control... we did company law... we did economics... we did consol accounts... we did so many other topics... and i am considered only qualified enough to process employee expense claims?! what a waste ?!! My mom could get this done... an A lvl commerce holder can do what i do... why even a sec 4 POA o' lvl holder can handle it.. why? i dont have experience? i don't even want to mention the pay... i didn't flunk the papers... i PASSED! - which jolly well means that i have satisfactory knowledge of the syllabus covered during my poly years... Why are bigger co.s hesitating to entrust more responsibilities on us poly grads. And i do not tolerate the thought of poly being of 2nd tier to JC grads. More often than not, JC kids are so all about books that they turn out to be so much like frogs in the well... yes glory for them as they get to enter prestigious unis here... but the all rounded syllabus covered during the three years in poly is of more value to MNCs... education not solely for pride.. it is to serve as a foundation to career and other achievements out here in the working world...

Here i am doing a job an O leveler can handle by the day and doing a degree by the night.. pursuing my passion in the tiny cracks of free time... pft! I cant change anything.. i need something easy and yes easy can be boring ... BUT! i can't afford to loose the time by repeating my semesters... neither can i stay at home doing nothing (or close to nothing) ... I'll run down right lunatic.. It's the age... or so i think..you see, It's now or never...

Maybe accountancy is not meant for me... finance perhaps? haiz... CFA... 4 yrs... or teach?!! humphz.. a year in NIE and not to mention a good degree to get you in..Music? for that, there is the question as to am i actually good enough? see, everything has so many Qs... nothing concrete.. annoyance always fills me whenever i think about any of these. I have simply succumbed to going with the flow.. only for now. I don't think it'll be wise to let things happen for me since my adaptability is rather low.

I still have a long long way to go before i get totally satisfied with the way i lead my life... but i am a very happy gal... see, nth surpasses the joy of having a pair of comforting arms cuddling you at the end of the day... that in itself is suffice to keep me going...

2007-07-20T09:35:00.000+08:00

So here is promised post... on a group of underdogs... The soon wasn't that soon eh.. ha ha! sorry for the delay... u know.. the OT, the family, the travel, the school, the music and last but not least, the "i just want to hit the sacks and everything else can wait till another day... " feeling... ha ha!

You know Wat i think? I think that travelling in the MRTs and buses has been such a major part of my life that it almost always either makes or breaks my day. Have a bad trip in the MRT, and one can feel like yelling out loud at almost everything else that comes by the rest of the day... U must have figured by now that today's post is about travelling ..

I could quote a great no. of incidents in the MRT or buses that has caused a total round about in my mood for the rest of the day... or week.. Most of the times, its negative... then like some kind of "just for laughter for TVs up there" related kinda chain reaction i have this "a series of unfortunate events" thingy going on for the rest of the day!! Sounds funny.. but in real it annoys the nerves out of me... my poor husby is the one who ends up hearing my rants and grumbles...

Our fellow daily travellers of of Public transport share a mutual code of conduct - most applicable during peak hours.

1) Upon entry, one should sandwich yourself as much as possible. - regardless of where you plan to alight

2) There is always a space for one or two even though your face was smashed against the door before it opened. - An inch for me will do really!

3) empty space anywhere near you is illegal - If only I can sue you!

4) If you are near the door, one must step out, give way to those alighting then come back. - If you can't come in again , that's just TOO BAD!

5) You want to alight near the escalator at your destination (esp. in interchanges and city side stations), then be prepared to be sandwiched beyond imagination - You aren't the only one to discover that you no?

6) you don't dilly dally during peak hours- my boss may not be as kind as yours!

7) Don't step unto others' feet - and it doesnt matter if you're going to trip. JUST DONT STEP ON MY SHOES!

8) as for the ladies, you'll never no the difference between a man trying to be funny or is simply fidgeting - OUCH!

9) no swishing your head left and right if you're wearing a pony tail. - this is no shampoo advert you no?

10) want to move around, in or out of the compartment? Do it w/o even so much so as to brush past anyone. - EEK! dont touch me!!

for those of you(sotongs/soya fry/ olive oil) wondering... the text coloured like this is the possible thoughts of the "Others"

This post is most inspired by my trips everyday to and fro work & sch in the MRTs. Let me share with you an experience i had. As always, i boarded a train in serangoon station (NEL - some people don't even know there was such a station. So let alone which line it's from.). Yes, the train was packed but nobody was beside me on my right. In fact, there was an empty baby pram. And, beside that was the mother and the child seated at the corner two seater. Watching mothers with infants and pregnant women... well.. i'll blog about that soon.. :) Ya! So the train stopped at Boon Keng. This rather tall gentleman tried to squeeze his way through to get into an empty space way much further in the middle of the train. Well, i was packed on my right thanks to the pram and so i couldn't move to give way for him. So, i continued to read my David Eddings - The Elder gods. A minuter or two later i flipped to the next page when i asked myself, "did i just hear somthing like "so selfish!!!"?" Just to make sure, i turned to look at the gentle man only to be snapped at again. "Still can stare somemore!". Ok so he was refering to me... oops! ok maybe i did have space to move. So, i looked around again. Damn the pram was blocking me. There was no way i could have moved. Personally i don't tolerate being blamed for something i can't help or am not responsible for. I usually fight it out. In this case, the words were at the tip of my tongue but the better of me stopped me. I had a long day ahead, so i didn't think it was wise to pursue this. However, this disturbed me so much that i was lamenting about it to my poor husby like 12 midnight that day.. maybe my better half was wrong. oh well!

Most of my bad times come on the days when i have sch. How weird a pattern. Doesn't make any sense does it? Well, here's the thing. When i go to sch., I'm the type who gingerly brings ALL the materials for class (i.e. all my notes, tuts , tuts answers, the text book, all my stationary and calculator). Naturally, i carry an extra large bag on those days. Now you see the actual story? Ya! its the bag... and poor me.. gets nudged, pushed, stared at, snapped at, cursed at etc. for being hardworking? People with big bags are known to take up too much space. Since it's usually the youngsters who carry such huge bags, they tend to have their ears shut by music leading to turning deaf to "excuse me"s. Due to their hefty burden they move slowly and barely have space to shift and make space for more travellers. Huge bag carriers are by nature a wee bit more clumsier due to the extra weight. So, when they move in and out of the compartments , they tend to ram and brush pass many.

For reasons such as those mentioned above, almost all of the 10 code of conducts are broken. Although all deeds were unintentional, bulky/huge bag carriers are most loathed in trains and buses. People being who they are, become naturally defensive by turning offensive when meeting any such people.

1) Not budging to make way for us

2) Pushing and ramming around us

3) Cursing under their breathe even after we apologize for bumping onto them

4) Glaring at us like as though we are walking disasters once we enter the vehicle

And the list could go on... but if I were to list them.. i could get very emotional. I might even end up having a phobia for travelling with bulky things in MRTs or buses. This morning i was carrying the violin in the MRT during the rush hour and I was so wary of how those travelling with me might react. Trust me... they weren't the sweetest of beings...

See... It is from here that i discovered, people with huge/bulky bags are the underdogs of our daily commuters.

2007-07-10T11:46:00.000+08:00

a story about a group of underdogs we meet everyday ...

A special request by me husby...

2007-07-09T12:30:00.000+08:00

The last weekend was supposedly featuring the live earth day (07/07/07). A day to emphasize the need to preserve the planet from an inevitable end. " Its part of the "save the earth!" plan. Here's a fact: Earth like you and i, has a life span too. As to how long is that, there are many calculations, theories, hypothesises, believes etc. Nothing concrete enough though. In my opinion, I don't think it's going to be anytime within my lifetime. That explains why i am not as keen on all these as many other "earthists" are. However, now i think its only fair that as a fellow citizen (being such a citizen has brought upon me uncountable benefits. Think about it. Right down to your basic needs) of this planet i need to do my fair share.... of course there are some selfish thoughts involved too ( e.g. sth to extend of increasing your karma points; i wouldn't want to live through to see my kids getting burnt from playing outdoors... ). I should sit and think about how i can do my part in Small but many ways.

Media corp has been attempting to create an awareness amongst us Singaporeans. (Or so they say... for all we may know, its just a publicity thing.. .. increasing their network via "good deeds" as such, since, seven continents were involved). The ad basically went like "They were not exaggerating." They as in those who spoke of all the current hazards our planet is facing.

Mediacorp also mentioned - wear green to show ya support! (on 7 n 8 Jul) Well i didn't want to be the odd one out .. it isn't going to hurt wearing that colour anyways.. So i wore this pastel green and blue Coimbatore cotton chudi (perfect for comfort)... As i walked the streets and travelled in the mrt and buses .. A good majority were not wearing anything close to green at all... then again... there seemed to be a significant increase in the no. of people wearing green.. but it could be just a coincidence.. maybe it was because i was looking out for green outfits... whatever the case.. its obvious that mediacorp has failed.

Apparently other sources of media from other continents played their big part too (nope... not sun or vijay.. they were too bz 'ojahyeh ojah'fying or figuring out who is in who's heart) ... huge artists came in (Madonna; red hot chili peppers; Rihanna etc.) ... but well then... this might be a publicity stunt too. It's difficult to believe that one has no ulterior motive behind good deeds in this "man-eat-man" race (especially media).

This whole 24Hr continuous music concerts at different locations was called "concerts for a climate in crisis". Really just read that... any connection? OK so you entertain people and then they get enlightened that its time to be more environmentally conscience? Oh please! I somehow sense that this was a flop. I believe this was supposed to bring about a craze. Like, Sivaji! haha! But nopez . Purpose so defeated!

Then again it caught my attention... Applause for the efforts though... more of this will increase media network but .. about saving the earth... i don't know... perhaps, something better ? Better luck next time guys...

2007-07-05T11:57:00.000+08:00

The things I do to shed the extra kgs!! Its down right depressing – it’s a no wonder that one sheds weights fast like this! Well that’s all about my weight log for now… I shall just wait and see… if I don’t shed anything less than another 4 kg, I’d probably be going down to depression from which I hope I can loose weight!

URGH! See how desperate I am ?! I barely eat much! I don’t junk as much as I used to. The credit goes to the all so rich and sinful wedding food! Not the usual one night in perumal temple kalyaneh mandabem food… but the week long 3 meal/day and a yeleh full of kaareikudi chettinad specialities. DAMN!Now now… with that it’s a feat I didn’t shoot above 60kg…

There has been a poll… on what’s the most effective weight loss method. Guess wat! Its stress! So I am going to be all stressed up from today onwards… oh i look forward to that!

2007-07-03T09:35:00.000+08:00

Poof! There goes my holiday. Wasn’t really the school holidays we had back in real school times. I just had the leisure to have more time for other activities after work. My father in-law gave me a warned of being revoked of my OMS (Old man scholarship). HAHA!! The OMS part was his idea. NOT ME! I wouldn’t in the right mind call him an old man, he’s someone with loads of secrets. Secrets to his current way of life. I look up to him in many ways and disagree with some of his ways. On the whole, he holds many attributes I want to learn. One of which is “ Never say this is it!”. We all have wondered what kept him going on and on from the catching up with work in office at 11pm to flying overseas like a trip to JB. I’ve discovered. It’s just commitment. He committed himself to many activities. One can’t just say, “I call it quits!”. You simply have to keep it running till your time there ends. Then again, since you’re already getting it up and running steady, why not make the best out of it? Just a wee bit more effort and its worth your pride. Ya that’s it. That’s what keeps him going day by day. Do or make do the best you can! I like it.
Monkey see Monkey do! I’m the monkey who trying to pull the same stunt (although at a much smaller extent. Still it’s a start). Work, study, music, family… now there’s a brand new addition!! Driving license! (for which I had a rather “auspicious” start! humphz!)
I think it trains me to manage my time better. Helps me to be more disciplined. I have only this stage of my life to learn such things after which I will be too busy to even reflect.

Next my first year anniversary is coming. So fast! One year… so much has happened. I can only thank god that things between me and the husbysm is by far much better. I learned sth from him.
One make a very angry person feel very stupid with your calm approach to things. Trust me, I was from the stupid point of view. I felt down right idiotic…
However, I don’t wish to push my luck. Everybody has a limit. I hope never to reach his limit. That will be unfair. I owe that much to him anyways.
When I was going to get married.. my biggest fear was to go thru another whole set war to find out how everybody expect me to be after marriage and force myself to be that. Here, I get to be myself and through that I get to be better than myself.

2007-06-21T13:15:00.000+08:00

my poor blog has been devoid of my attention lately...
so much so that i didn't realise that it lost it's look thanks to the irresponsibility of the blog skin creator...
and i left things hanging up in the air w/o even noticing it... for the last blog post was supposedly awaiting my results... i owe an apology and a few repairs and maintenance...

As for my results... it turned out pretty much like keerthu's case which i quoted in my last post... i didnt failed but neither did i get grand great or good grades ... it was just abt the bare minimum that i deem as acceptable...

Co. Law Pass 50% (soooo chun chun!!)
CMA Credit 65%
FA Credit 61%

I guess u get me drift now..

Another surprising thing was... my parents actually congradulated me for my grades... ppl who know me long enuff will understand me shock.. took a few pinches is the midst of my conversations with them to trust that its for real.. i couldnt help laughing at the thought of it... seemed like a joke.. still does..

well... i have my own expectations... really this is by far not good enough for me.. actually i am confused if i should revise my expectations... I am having a stable job not like being invloved in a dark messy ancient office...; i know how life is going to be like during the sch days so i will be more prepared for the rushy lifesytle than i was b4 the 1st sem...most importantly i am more stable within... so i should try harder right? but then again for the reasons stated by my bro and parents.. maybe i should go easy on it... generel rule is.. i should try my level best...

I did try my best the last sem... or so i think... but i know i can be better than that in the coming sem... so was that actually my best... actually i dont think i've ever seen my best... so let alone knowing wat's my best..

Life is getting easier now on the hind side... i am more sure of myself, my new lifestyle.. i wouldnt say all uncertainties that i've faced up till now have been totally annihiated ... i've got a long long way to go to reach that... see ! At least i know that!

Ok i think i am off tracking... well as u can see... that wait and see phase passed by w/o much struggle... the next is to lead the same life with higher order time management... yes.. that is THE KEY...

actually its simple... it all balls down to .. don't be doing sth that'll get yourself regretting any time after "that" time has passed... be it a minute later or years later... of cos this only applies to ppl who dare to be sincere right down to their bones... er.. thats another story by itself, aint it?

something tells me that i wouldnt have gone thru half the nonsense i went thru if only i realsied this at an earlier stage.. WELL! better later than nvr though...

so the next 25%... HERE I COME!!

2007-06-04T16:13:00.000+08:00

It's been long i know... Didn't have much to write... even if i did.. I'll bore ya to death.. basically so far it was work; MRT; husby; family; food; sleep; etc... there was an event or two... but really not meant to be written here... rather at heart... besides this is not my journal.. its something else... i have no idea wat to call it... i think i mentioned it the realm of thoughts somewhere in this page... oh well maybe i wavered here and there... but not a journal for sure.. that's all i know.

So why am i finally hitting the keys for this now? Well... me last post was about my co. law paper... ... though the past 1.5 months have served as a very good break from the "on ya toes all day" life... especially keeping up to school that makes you feel like an amateur marathon runner ... i actually had the time to indulge in fun; joy and tears... a good way to run away from the thought of my results... but with a smirk on the face it was lurking ard me where ever i went... basically, had it the last laff cos no matter wat, i am gg to face it some day... and that day is coming in two days..

My thought: to hide till no one bothers to know ... take a peek... then decide wat to do... either run and hide for eternity or pray for a time stand still ... i don't know... i cant seem to imagine anything positive at this point in time...

Irony: I know damn well i worked hard (maybe not enough) ... but i also know i screwed up more than i can afford to bear...

Feelings: Scared and ashamed of being scared but scared wins

Keerthu was damn scared of her results... she thought she might flunk a paper or two.. and score colourfully in the others...
Turned out that neither did she fail any nor did she score in any..

So wats in store for me? ( i dare not say " we shall wait and see...")

2007-04-26T15:44:00.000+08:00

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DiS5aPoiNt3D

I just came back from my co. law paper.... the paper was very tough... i had a terrible feeling about yesterday night... one fell sick in the midst of the paper... another broke down aft 'e paper... none were happy about it..

Really i dont even think i wasnt prepared enough... the question was way too challenging.. 15 marks and 20 marks Qs... really i had not much to right about... i could even comprehend wat the Q was asking of me... or at least i couldnt write much in answer for it... 3/4 page is for sure not enough for a 20 mark Q... but really didnt know what else i could write.. i must be missing a point... the questions were not straight forward... really tricky... those out and out to kill type... if so many people fail constantly... there must be sth wrong with the syllabus... today i realise that my lecture group had loads of 2nd timers in it... i am very disappointed... i really dont want to repeat or anything...

in the morning ... i expected a distinction for this paper.... now all i ask for is a pass..

2007-04-25T19:39:00.000+08:00

i am just not good enough...

feels like the whole building of me will tumble down before i even complete...

too many flaws...

too many cracks...

just not good enough...

i fear...

fear that i might turn out to be an utter disappointment..

a failure...

to myself..

God please give me the time and chance to grow...

please...

isnt that all i have asked of u everyday....

promise to use it the best way i can...

2007-04-25T10:34:00.000+08:00

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I hate the MAID....

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

This is how she looks like most of the time...

A SNOB!

2007-04-24T15:26:00.000+08:00

today was the first paper i had with SIM... so fast and its been a sem... yes! 25% down another 75% more to go.. then i'll go for a CPA... then i am SOMEBODY man!! lolz... ok that was a little childish eh... but wat to do... a chinna aaseh that requires so much of hardwork... the paper today was ok... i was a little panic during me reading time... theory can really scare me... but thanks to the little prep talk i had with uncle on the way to sch while he was dropping me.. i managed to muster my confidence just throw my "business sense"(like me uncle mentioned) into it... well... i cant promised an A* for that Q.... at least i know i did some damage control... overall i rushed thru the paper like a marathon for life... i cant say that any of the questions were very tough... however being the careless aunty i am... i suspect loads of hidden regrets in that answer sheet.. i hpe it doesnt cost me like a whole grade or sth... damn i wont even know about it..

Yesterday... a friend of mine was dropping by and saying hi... b4 i carry on with this story lemme give you snippet of this friend of mine and me... aint gg to mention e name or give out too many details though...

Friend of mine:

WAS a very close friend of mine... so close that the friendship we shared seemed abosolute... but as u can see that is past tense... of cos i dont plan to go all so cat fight about it... so we are still hi bye and get lost kinda friends... at least to me la.. i dont no abt that person... nt like i care... boo hoo hoo!

k enuff of the snippet...

SO surprisingly this person came up to me was like hi how are you... and then the Q came up... "So! how is marriage life?" and i go like " its going well ... better than i thought.." then said.."hur hur... of cos wat... you're happy cos you're lucky"

That split second i literally jumped off my seat like an unproperly placed lid of a pressure cooker.... LUCK?!!?!?!?! luck??!?!?! oh wer was luck wen i was crying out for loud when you ditched me? is luck playing your life for you... are you happy with your guy cos of SHEER LUCK>!! can i say that you and your family are bloody smiling cos of LUCK>?!!?!?!

I could literally taste the poison of the sacarsm behind her sentence! i could hear you saying it... considering how much i know about you. Yes yes... i admit... the whole wedding thing costs a bomb... and yes me dad and uncle cld afford it... not cos they vasool maamul... cos they worked the life out of themselves for this happy moment...

If was i happy cos i was lucky.... means you expected me to be all so vazhvey mayam about my early wedlock all my life?!! didnt you?!! aw... how sweet.. you pitied me... was i like begging for you to telecast to the whole world "poor meenatchi...bla bla bla" i am in no need of pity yours... dont be all so delusionised tamil padamish people!

Luck has no part to play in my emotions... as far as i am concerned as easily as it gives it takes... so i don't bank on it... yes i've lived a comfy live ... i've had the luxury... a family that wasnt broken... parents who were nvr biased... a brother who was nvr a tharuthaleh... a friend in the name of my bro... a dog to come home to.... finance that could afford me and more... a lovely house to live in... no abuse... and importantly with no form of handicapness in me... basically i am perfectly normal... as much i cld list down all the perfections in my life... i have loads more to complain abt it! doesnt mean i am not complaining... its flawless! its simply means i dont wish to brood over it...

Happiness, sadness, anger, love, hate are all emotions... they come and go... not because you are "fated" to feel it there and then... because of events around... you are happy cos you CHOOSE to be happy... you are sad cos you CHOOSE to be sad...you hate sth cos you DONT love it... and you LOVE sth cos you CHOOSE to make it sth that important to u... CHOICE!! its all your choice... i made my choice... and that was to be happy... mind you ! i didnt make do (i.e. oh well this all there is to my life... i guess i shall just make do). i changed my situation... i seized the chance to take over my my life... worked it out... and of course with the blessed love of those around me especially my husby... (whom also i have to take efforts to love too... cos nth comes without working for.. trust me falling in love happens only in the movies and story books...) these ppl could be all so supportive and loving towards me... but if i were to remain as a self pitying bum who whines and rants all day about fate... aint nothing is going to budge to happiness... really... then probably life would have been so disastrous that any gal in such a stage would probably cease her own lifeline only to regret for eternity... and that all so "sincere" friend of mine might come over and shed a few tears for the zillion good times we probably had and have yet another story to share with the world...

No... i didnt allow any of that to happen... did you really think i am that helpless a fool to let my emotions rule me like that... no way yoz! I was sure that wherever i went i must be happy... even in the slightest crack in the wall of chance to have a fulfilled joy at heart... i'll go for it... today my happiness has been laid upon a chance to be the ideal me... a clear conscience .. and hells loads of love to share with him and my family with him... yes me dear shockness ... i love him with all my BIG FAT HEART!!

here and now... i certify him as the best thing that happened to myself.. (although he came thru the worst heheh! BUT it was worth the hell ride!)

Sorry lovies if it sounded all so angsty... still a form of reflection... just in a pathrakaali style...

haha! I feel better now... i'd probably feel even better if i get to hear that ... the "trusty" friend of mine actually read this..

hehe... adoiz... and anni... you no sth... i dono why... i cant stop thinking of you all day... humphz... i lau you!! mmmuaaahhhz! hehe its so cool to kiss ya bro's pretty wifey... keke

2007-04-18T21:53:00.001+08:00

its a sin... its a sin to be bloggin now... but hell i'm human!

:p

i had to...

when i had all the chance and facilities... i didnt utilise it... when i had the freedom of a clear mind... the freedom do so at my own pace... the energy... the youth ... i had all these freedom... and yet i complained of restriction... now i am free... free from the grasp of expectations... which enclosed my very drive to strive... how foolish ...

now that i have all the "freedom" i was ranting for... the foolish me yearns for that enclosed cosiness to strive and no cost...

sad ... inbound human thing... the scarce is the most treasured... like diamonds.. like oil... like true love...

2007-04-17T20:00:00.000+08:00

yesterdAY... haiz... it was a v wierd day... i was almost convinced that it wasnt for real... felt like a dream.. then again i was quite sure that it wasnt one cos i had absolute control over my thoughts and deeds.... usually in dreams... u think and do wat u are supposed to do according to the dream... haha! i hope that made sense...

I was dazed... walking zombie... i was desperate that i even bought e Vits from GNC... i was worried of how my revision was going to turn out at that state... i popped in the vits and it didnt make any dif... i even think that it got worst... i was so not down on earth that i starting conversing with myself... trying to find out if the day i lived was for real...

eventually i deperately hit the books as soon as i reached .... dream or not... i must get that done for the day...just in case if it wasnt a dream lolz!and slowly y mind shifted back to reality as i flipped the pages and forgot about the whole ordeal... i was amused with my amazing concentration level and the amount i covered in that study time.. i finished early.. i was very thelivufied! it all felt perfect... real and perfect! haha... and i retired to sleep...

Then i realised... that the whole day i felt dazed due to my sleeping pattern for the past three days... it was usually falling in and out of sleep with a dozen and dreams and only sleeping all the way aft hours .... leading to oni a few hours of proper sleep... why do such things happen? well.. for me it was cos my mind was disturbed by the fact that i didnt spend time revising as much as i should have... the day didnt feel complete......

Then today... my MIL was relaying a ten minute incident to me for the past 45 mins...

Dont worry mine's a short one..

well she had some chest ... hm...wats that word? not pain... rather strains... pulls...
and had difficulty breathing... (mind you... she had some payasam from the temple and she ate some kesari w/o our knowing at home plus coconut chutney that morning) she apparently had this attack at ard 11 plus... me husby and i were alseep... they were calling out for us it seems... our door was closed with ac... and we both we dead beat tired... we immidiately fell asleep... It seems the maid came up and tried to call out our names... oh please... cant she bang the bloody door! want to no wat a reason she gave for that? "illeh athellah yeppadi... neengellah chinna sirusingeh... innerem yellah kathaveh thatteh koodaathuleh!"

My thought: Pull her hair and wind it around my fist and swing her ard like how mom used to do to jacky... like a barbie doll! DAMN U! is our privacy so important ? At the price of my MIL's health! wats wrong with ya priorities! or were silently wishing for sth else... i doubt u me dear... u're sly... i dont trust!

2007-04-14T08:29:00.000+08:00

a new look for the new year! hehe howveesit!lolz!

yes i no... i think pink is getting at me... and i jolly well can blame me mom for it! LOLZ!

2007-04-13T20:17:00.000+08:00

panguni has ended and chithirei has come... its a brand new year for the indians tmr! a good news indeed... now that i am gg to bank in my cheques and also sign my contract tmr... which were all co incidental... hopefully this is an omen to a great career ahead!

but as always... the gd and bad strikes its balance... behind all the joyous occasions one must remember the bitterness of it too... my grandma has done her fair share of reminding us that every year.... i am not being sarcastic... i mean it...

All i knew of her... are of the vague childish memories i have about her... Sometimes i don't even know if i miss her... cos i nvr got to see her from a mature point of view... the way in which she had passed away was a news i oni heard lately... probably i am amongst the last to no... I oni heard stories of her... other people's perception... i only had a chance to feel the grandmotherly love that any kid would feel... she was a great lullaby singer too... sad how i cant remember much of those songs... i also happened to no that she has been a major influence on my music... sometimes i feel that my ability to sing has come from her... but that is all abt wat i no of her... its a pity really... i wish she was patient enough .... however considering her life... such thoughts nvr occur to simple women like her... anything and everything is absolute... the smallest of things mean the world to them... it is us who should be careful with such people... we shld remember who these people are... and their naivety.... and in turn their vulnerable nature towards our anger and words....

We all love them... but wen we mean the world to them... their very life dangles upon our responsible behaviour

P.S. Then again maybe she had other commitments... :)

"during the month of Chitthirai the marriage of Goddess Meenakshi to Lord Sundareswarar is celebrated as ‘Chitthirai festival’."

juz jokin... it was also mentioned that the speciality of this festival is maanga pachadi... so mommy! any of that tmr?

quoted from.. http://www.chennaibest.com/discoverchennai/citylifestyle/feature14.asp

2007-04-13T14:54:00.000+08:00

what a merciless fever! it came back! just wen i was gg to run down for lunch n go to werk for the afternoon...

and i had to run the temp again!! what a waste...

some part of me went like " naa appaveh sonneh! doctor said the fever will go up and down.. dont take advantage of the fact that u feel better..."

but i had to go cos... the friday filing was piling up... imagine three weeks worth of filing (i missed last week's filing cos of gd friday)... omg...

well... now that i have made the necessary calls and all the permissions were granted... i get to stay at home...

and abt the fever... like it has brains... like as though tricking me into remaining at home... has gone down again... haiz...

i think its time i top up my Vit Cs and Es.... and i hope that physical regime i've planned will top up my immunity too...most importantly i hope i carry it out in the first place... but i got no kaki!! anni!!!!!! swim with me la!!!!

2007-04-13T11:36:00.000+08:00

a lazy friday morning ... hahaz... a rest that is needed... It was meant to be...

Well here's why...

A perfect thursday morning to work... did all the work i had to... all went well... although i got shelled at by some heavy weight headed executive secretery for a reason as simple "wer is the cookie the jar?" when the cookie wasnt important but it was the jar that was important... empty or not... it all subsided thanks to the smiles and support of my VISA supervisor and stoneforest supervisor and a gd news from HR in Stoneforest( although it was expected)...

Lunch time... time files there... u dont feel useless at any one point in time ... neither do u feel over worked.... So my SF supervisor and I went down to banquet to have lunch cos i thought i needed sth soupy... but the handmade noodles in it was over cooked... and i lost my apetite cos of that... or so i thought... little did i no... that in ten minutes time i'll be trembling like how jacky did wen he first came home.. not cos of fear... but cos of fever... which i had no idea of even then...

I ask a time out( aft much pondering and hesitation)... left the office ... and went rounds to get to a taxi stand... rode to the clinic... where i was found to have a 39degree fever... and he was explaining what kind of symptoms i shld look out for in case of dengue... (oh hell just give me the mc and let me go home and sleep will ya!) then he checked my tummy... ( oh no.. i dont plan to be a mom yet!) lolz... thoughts can run wild... i later realised that it was to check for tight knots at the tummy... then a pricy jab on my "asset" did all the magic... and i took a taxi home.... announced my arrival and reason for it... and ran up to my roon as fast as possible... wanting to avoid all the possible reasons my MIL can think of as to why i ran into a fever.... next thing i knew was i was fast asleep when i rec'ved a fon call... (oh ME HUSBY! i shld tell him i'm fine...) and heres how it turned out...
" Hi! Is this Na-ra-yan-nam....?" ... Grrrr cant they read!!
"ah yes thats me..." ....this better be quick... SF HR is always quick... ya it must be her
"Hey hi! i am calling from Citibank. I see that u have applied for an operations assistant post. Are you free to come down for an interview next monday?" ...Why not call a month later? How long did u think an accts n finance dip grad from poly with a yr's exp will stay unemp..... too bad u'll end up with the filtered!"
"Oh i'm sorry i've already got a job.." ....of all freaking times!!
"oh its ok! thanks!" ... and u sure did a great job and disturbing my sleep too!
And i slept.... and woke up to have my er...evening snack...(sambar saatham).. and some medi... talking on the fon.. catching up with my friend... and we both agreed upon on three year regrets... and how both could do anything to change the way of life due to that... and i talked to my husby then my dad.. we were watching tv... and then our parents came back... and then we went to sleep..

ah... good sleep... a blessing... and i wake up fresh with loads of rest to charge me up for all that i lost for the past one week... a fever that disappeared ... and a chance to go to work late...

I'm being pressurised to quit me job... i wont... but that means i shld score... i hope i do... i must...

u no wat abosolute freedom? the choice to excel cos u want to... Its my personal interest...

2007-04-11T21:19:00.000+08:00

i know its been eons since my last proper posting... hehe sorry for the delay... not much time for the soul searching here... or least no time to type.. :p

well i am still racing for time here... but the defiant me simply wants to do sth other than coming and hitting the books like i've planned and i've always done.. but not always complete... haha!

really i am feeling down... i have no idea wer its from.. maybe its a series of things... maybe its just one thing.. or one person... maybe its nothing... maybe i'm just being a baby... oh hell... i'm sick of pitying of myself... nvr want to visit that feeling ever again... i feel really stupid at the end of it all

my exams are ard the corner... i have a tt which i keep adjusting... even if i follow... i wonder sometimes if i studied for the exam or to reach the quota for day which was set in the TT.... sometimes i get really distracted by loved ones... a sweet irritation... but still an irritation.. lolz!

a husby i love so much (maybe too much.... then again i think there is no such thing as too much but i love u so... :'( ) ... i rarely have time for ... & and so many other things... haiz... sorry me dear....

new job.... not a prob... but drains the energy out of me to be walking on the edge during my working hours.... i enjoy my work no doubt.. but... e-mailing and phone calls can be scary... cos it concerns people's money... not many are receptive to u about this... especially when u're the "loan shark" lolz... not to mention me trying not to make stupid mistakes... which might get the perm staff in visa to think i am just any other gal... i'm making every effort to learn fast... and carry out my activities professionally... not easy w/o proper experience to back that up... but... i think i'll pull thru..

I'm stoning... cos i am scared of feeling all those that i can feel if i let loose the numbness... dont think... just do it... other things will come by...

I dont think its stress... its uncertainty... i think...

I learnt sth... moving on was oni my job... i cant expect it out of others... its painful... but its the truth...

but what i believe still stands... the footprints of your past will always be visible not to hurt u... or weaken u... but to remind you...

I intend to lead a straight forward life... like i've been striving to do so.. all along lately...
there are things i can achieve... and i can be the many things i've wanted to be... i am more than proud to say that i am at least a step closer to that me... i know it more than anyone else... i love the way it is...every difficulty that came by gave me another chance to be proud of myself... i want to keep doing this... its really hm... cool! *leaps in joy!* hehe...

loads on things pending on me... loads of things i want to do... i must do... and for the things i cant do anything to help... and for the things i cant change... and for the things.. which hurt... sadly... i'll make do... and will go pass.... and i think i still lack loads of patience... poor me...

P.S. i got a new kutty mouse... hehe... its white.... with colourful lights.. cute!hehe... (hey! it wasnt impulse buying k? i waited till my projects finished b4 i decided to buy it... :p hehe!)

2007-03-02T14:29:00.000+08:00

my LOVE what would i do without u...

2007-02-05T21:52:00.000+08:00

My Heart is full of Crimson JOY!

and I'll never stop blaming YOU 4 it!

2007-01-11T00:13:00.000+08:00

i was disturb... very disturbed.. but not now...i get to stumble over 'objects' of the past every now and then... actually a wee bit too often for me... one man's blessing cld be another man's curse... what i mean... most people will enjoy a chance of such... i dont.. not that i hate my past... as i have mentioned before... its not fantastic either... but well... the meena here and now is the sum of the equation called past... so no regrets...
It was today that i realised the importance of not allowing yourself to bottle up emotions within... trust me... emotions are there cos they are supposed to... where there's an input... there's has to be an output... if not there isn't a pt in the input... emotions... when we feel them... we have to express it... most importantly to ourselves.. sounds dumb... you can't possibly be yelling at yourself or something to that extent... what i was refering to is the ability to recognise and accept the way you feel.. ask yourself wat is the origin... have a silent conversation with your conscience... be your own friend... Not finding such moments and being complacent that it will disappear over time will only lead to a unmanagable outburst...
yes i know... who the hell will think of doing all these in the midst of rushing for time within a 24 hr day... yes yes... life is always being on the run... however i find it important to once in a while.. slow down.. allow yourself the luxury to feel the immense thoughts and feelings within as it is... shed one good tear for grief; a hearty grunt for regret or a slight smile for contentment (discreet actions advisable when in the public) ... then slow down further.. and take a look ard... appreciate it... and appreciate wats with and within u... allowing myself to do that... gave me a chance to see myself... in my most vulnerable situation... which so happened to make me a stronger person...
A chance for my thoughts and emotions to linger within brought upon a feather weight heart.. and a conscience clearer than a glass... that moment even the lightest of breeze felt like a tender embrace... which told me of all the blessings that await me... There upon i march on.. for i know now.. that grief will nvr engluf me...

discovery

2006-12-28T20:09:00.000+08:00

My Treasure, My Love

A treasure i received
With you on your knees
A gift of promise
A measure of love
That it never glowed
Till i see true love
Oh how beautiful it is
The brilliance it holds

2006-12-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

Due to the many turns in my life... and the many new challenges...

I take comfort in forgetting my past and many people i used to know.... not that it was bad... but neither was it a fantastic thing to hang on to... lately i realised that wat i needed was not a brand new start and and a brand new me... but a same old me with making do with the past... and moving head on with the future... nth can be erased or forgotten... be it good or bad...

One thing has been bothering me.. it was a question...

i think i knew it all along... but i just felt a little insecure... of myself...

the friendship i have shared and established...

wat was the right thing to do? really i was confused... it didnt feel right to let go of them... cos i simply cant imagine doing that... not that i m dependent... not that we are related... not that we share a life.. not that we owe each other a living... frankly speaking we dont need each other...

so wats between us that we call friendship? i used to think its mere companionship... or saving each others' arses.. or someone to tell your stories to... or just caring for each other genuinely...

ya friendship includes that... so does acquaintence... wat we share is more than that... we go mths w/o speaking or hearing... however the concern or worrisome thoughts may haunt you... your confidence and trust in your's friend ability... and also respect for his/her privacy surpasses it all... a friend is not a diary... but listener who can share knowledge with you... a friend is not a companion but a person who can be there for you... a friend is not a caring person but a person considers your situations... last but not least... a friend need not be there to share your joys and tears... but to be there when he/she knows she should be there...

true friends hang on... no time or dist can cause the separation...

i am truely very sure of that... cos mine proved me so

home and roots

2006-12-10T19:51:00.000+08:00

once i caught myself speaking proudly my closeness india and the ability for me to keep closely in touch with my family's traditions.

Pride really blinds you... i was rather surprised when i caught myself in the act of over doing it. i wonder if it was from any source of influence... i should stop though... respecting myself and appreciating the way my life is... is a good thing... but eating the humble pie would be a good way to strike a balance...

That aside..back to india and traditions...

In the midst of my conversation... i was asked.. " So where do you think your roots are?"
I said, "Why yes, in India of course!"

There was an awkward silence... the pungent disappointment filled the air... i was embarrassed for not considering the situation. I felt like i did the perfect mistake... I did in vain to justify my carelessly spilled statement...

No doubt it was a spilled statement because it is the truth. My roots are in India. Oh why else would i appreciate a month long worth of preparations, travel and a 3 day long( not to mention my bad tummy) marriage?

The whole eposide set me thinking of something i never really thought of...
The question was where was my sense of belonging...Singapore? India?

What do they mean by roots? It is my home? my sense of belonging? The base of my religion and traditions?

According to me... roots... base... where it all started... where the seed germinated...

My family's roots... that is... where it started.... was in india... in fact all sgrean indians' roots are in india... no foremost indian father started his family in a malay fishing village... For me... its deeper in india than most other of my fellow sgrean indians... My parents each were born in india first before they moved out at their yg ages... My dad is the only one amongst his siblings here... My mom's family moved in Malaysia when she was a toddler.... but both their native areas were one and same...

In most families here, migration from their native places occur a few generations before mine... much of the depth in one's family is lost over these generations... Whereas in mine... migration occured just before my generation...

My grandparents only moved to other countries to make a living... Some men brought their wife and children along, some brought only their children (especially sons) others came alone. My grandpa came here with his brother... they both started out their business... later on brought their sons... those who preferred to stay ... stayed and those who wanted to go home... sailed back to india. My dad were one of those who preferred to stay.

However, they all went back to their native places to search for their brides/grooms (Since both of my parents were from the same native place, they got married there). Afterwhich they start out their family in singapore.I'm part of such a family. I was born in Singapore and brought up here. Singapore is where i had my education, i have my friends here, i even get excited on the 9th of august.

So, to what extent was i wrong at saying that my roots are in India?

My great grandpa came here to make a living.. so did my grandpa... during his late days... my grandpa still proudly stated his singapore citizenship ( I could nvr forget his attempts to get his O lvls cert) ... although he always preferred being at home... in amaravathy pudhur... :) he may sound contradicting then... but i understood what he meant... his home may be miles away from Sg but he'll always feel a sense of belonging to singpore... for he shared all the ups and downs along with her... the british, the jap war, the seperation... yes, he was around all the way... he might not have called it his home and stayed there forever... but he left behind pieces of himself... here in sg

I share the same complexity ... i have a great sense of belonging to India... cos my roots are there... my relatives... my cousins... my culture... the traditions i love that is not available in sg... the stories and legends of my forefathers... However my sense of belonging to india can be mistaken for patriotism towards india... oh please... i dont even no when their national day is...

My home is here... Singapore is where I belong... my roots may be india... but I belong to Singapore... cos i am a Singaporean... I was born here, i grew up here, i willl have a family here and retire and grow old here... i'll spend my years watching my home prosper...

2006-11-23T12:12:00.000+08:00

there the occasional pits in my life... those which i have fallen into... god's grace... with the support of love and guidance from my loved ones... I've found my way out...

but there seems to be no escape from the ghosts of my past... ghosts that haunt my loved ones... which in turn haunts me...

i cant help noticing the occasional silent reminders...

I want to move on.. move on with righteousness and love by my side..

I hope that this chance will be kind enough to let me start all over again..

I have confidence in myself.. cos i know now where my heart lies.. and how i want the rest of my life to be... i hope the same for my loved ones... i hope they can find it in their heart to trust me again some day...

2006-11-20T23:03:00.000+08:00

I dont hate feeling lonely cos i wait 4 u
I dont hate waiting cos i miss u
I dont hate missing you cos i love you...

You called today ... I miss cuddling up to you... i soaped myself twice during shower while thinking of you... haha!

hm.. We had so many good times... times when i didnt notice what u meant to me... It's ok... I'm very sure we'll have much better times ahead... I look forward to a lifetime with you... i love you...

The mix of this silent turmoil surprises me
I've never imagined such vastness...
Immensely unbearable yet sweet a pain it is...
I know now... that i love you so...
4 i hear your voice at heart
4 i see your smile thru the darkness
4 i feel your warmth thru my sleeplessness
tonight.. i'll long 4 u...
sleep tight ... sleep with peace..
nights to you my vigil keeping

2006-11-20T21:01:00.000+08:00

Here is a quote, " He or she truely loves the you only when he or she loves you for who you are"

"This is me! Get used to it!"
"Why should I change for you?!!"

Some commonly thrown words in view of the quote above... I feel that i misinterpreted it(the quote) all along.

It is ideal to make ourselves better each and every day. But somehow, it seems easier if it was done more for the one you love rather than for yourself. So what has this got to do with the quote?

The quote says - only a true lover can take a person for he or she is. Humans being naturally on the defensive side, have the tendancy to judge the other fist. the important thing to do is to ask yourself - so how truely so i love him or her? have wished that he or she had a different characteristic? have i expected him or her to change for me? what have i changed about myself to take him or her for who he or she is?

My point is... the quote in centred around you! You must do what u can to adapt to your loved one... to fall in love is as easy... as being born.... but to continue loving is as tuff as living the rest of your life... you have to learn and understand with patience about the one you're going to spend the rest of your life with...

However, a one way effort on this may dry one's well of patience. Imagine if both in a couple thought in the same way, leaps and bounds of serenity in the love they share... I look forward to that...

thinking back...

2006-11-02T08:44:00.000+08:00

this is the first day of the second last month of this ever memorable year... All the ups and downs... So much in such a short time...2006...I know for sure that it will be the most memorable year of my life.. Each and everyone close to my heart has watched me through each own"s individual point of view.

Family; friends; education; love. Each has taken a turn through the course of events this year. The year has not come to an end yet. So this is not a farewell... but it is a sign... that i look forward to the coming years started off by 2006..

A brand new life... the past behind me... and lots of love; hope and will by my side.. I start this journey. I see this as an opportunity to be a step closer to the dream "me".

the right to let sum1 open up to u

2006-11-01T08:27:00.000+08:00

Life is a theory of balance. Happiness vs Sadness; Love vs Hate; Disappointments vs Satisfactions etc.

My life before this may not seem all that great... but with regards to the theory above... happier times have come by..

We often find ourselves exclaiming, " Why must i make the 1st move?!!"

In my opinion, that is probably because there were many times we did not notice the 1st move made by the other. Like this, we tend to overlook many silent efforts taken by our loved ones.

Before one has a say.. i believe that it is very important to hear and understand what the other has to say or is trying to express first... after which ... it will be easier for you to measure your thoughts before one speaks it out....

Expression of emotions is very important. Despite the effects it has on others around you... it is an essential creation by god... truth and transparency is easier to handle...

It has to go two ways for it to be the most effective... so..

One who loves and care for the other should do all he or she can to make it easier to open up to each other.