Wednesday, October 03, 2007
There is hope for us to be...
no doubt about that...
but
how the fruits of it is to be harvested
is in your hands...
Even that... needs the efforts and the patience
of one who rears a bonsai plant...
Are you capable of that?
No ... i don't think so..
At least from how much i have seen
from you up till now..
How badly is my presence needed?
I don't care...
It's all about whats in there for me to walk back into..
The way i see it..
is naught but a lifetime of uncertainty...
& I am damn well sure i don't derserve that
I've mentioned this one before and i will do so again..
I'm not going to blame fate
for i have a choice...
You are in no position to judge me now..
Or serve expectations according to my age..
My biggest disappointment is
YOU..
not your condition..
even the lies i can let go..
IT IS
YOU!!
I dont want to go back to that
YOU!!
thats that!
If there is anything that change that..
Which i doubt... its still
YOU!
how are you gg to change
YOU?!
you won't! you can't and i dont expect you to..
let me be...
JUST LET ME GO!
am i not human..
don't you think i'd just wish that
I could just ignore all these like it nvr happened
just come home and hug you like good old times
how can i do that now?! with
YOU harbouring such thoughts...
with
YOU acting like our relationship was perfect .. it was actually tolerance!
You will change... now that things have come this far...
how long will that last? 1 yr2, yr... why after we have a kid or two..
then WHAT?! what's in it for ME!?!
notice how i nvr really asked that question when it came to both of us..
can you even remember a single time i was this selfish?
u canT!
but now i am... cos the time and situation calls for it..
I'm no mother theresa k? I'm normal..
You lied.
Underestimated me..
You lazed
You are irresponsible.
you had no fire to excel
you lived for the day.
What are you?
You simply can't stand the fact that i'm being ambitious..
Have i ever told you that i can't stand the fact you lack any direction?!!!
It never bugged me much... maybe at tiny weeny corner of my heart... yes..
but noW! It means alot more! My very decision is dependent on the type of mindset you have..
The way I see it.. It's bleak.. no light at the end of the tunnel..
All you want is a nod-head-all-the-time doll..
somone who's naive and takes your word for it all the time..
Trust you unconditionally...
and never question you at all..
let me b brutally truthful to u..
what
YOU want.. does not reside in me..
and
YOU are not worth me changing either!!
Because... you are nothing of what i expected...
simple as that.. if you want me to take you for who you are..
then this is who i am ..
And when this whoever i am makes a decision..
SHE'LL STICK TO IT!!
You are very caring person..
You did many small things that surprised me...
But how long is that going to last?
You are not my PA..
you are more than that..
Neither am i a doll...
I'm more than that!
A million sorries..
And a zillion assuring phrases that all will be fine..
is not enough.. not even close to making me feel any better..
it only means that you all are missing the whole POINT!
Just what on earth were you thinking of me?
I can ask you so many questions you have no answer for..
Did you actually think i'd chicken away like that..
DO you know that it this thought that is driving me away..
I know you will always sympathize with me and go
oh poor little gal...
really i don't need that...
I've been through a fair bit in my life..
enough to handle things the way i do...
You'll nvr be able to convince yourself that..
so you'll nvr be able to convince me..
that things will be normal after this..
A lifetime with you is not 5 or 6 yrs..
its almost half a century...
you & i have no idea how long it is..
The vastness of it with you..
simply scares me...
you sounded so helpless over the phone..
I pity you.. I also know that pity is not enough to live a lifetime..
Like i said.. if there is any hope..
it's so tiny... rare...
that its hard to pick out and work it out..
you have to either fight
YOU
or let it go...
that is the bottom line choice..
and the choice to for me to make..
not you.. or your parents.. or my parents.. or my siblings!
NOONE BUT ME!
this is about all i can assure.....
Leave me be! ALL OF YOU!! just leave me be...
i blogged @
10:21 AM
