Monday, October 08, 2007

The last weekend was a fruitful one..I managed to keep up to my Rev TT. Only weak point is that my project has got a long way to go and its due this Thursday. Speaking of Thursday, someone special is coming over. I'm so looking forward to that. I feel super loved.WeeEEee!!

As for how things took a turn in my life lately. I have nothing much to say. I realised a few things though. I really need to know when to open my mouth and when to shut it! I realised that i have inadvertently deprived myself of certain things. Yes, I know it is not good to regret or think of the what ifs and could haves. I was like <-> this close to what could have been a more desirable turning point at that time. Why did i have to force myself blindly? Why did behave like i am being all so filial and holy when it wasn't really required of me? I feel really stupid. What on earth was I thinking. I had a chance to have a choice, but did not use it. Stupid? yes.. Sad thing is that, even my parents couldn't help. I was not making it conducive for them to make a balanced decision? My fault? yes... See this is what desperation and having no control over my emotional self did to me.. If only i stopped, took time and thought through for at least a day or two rather than to question why the hell was all that happening to me.. .. like DAMN! what a waste... It was there... right in front of me... dangling for my taking... and i saw thru it.
Stupid to the power of a million can?

To all parents and children.. It impossible to know exactly what is running through each others' minds. Don't be guessing. That is being very hard on yourself. Open you mouth and heart and talk... don't question.. listen.. enquire .. but don't question.. give each other time.. and talk about it again... It saves so much trouble. This responsibility lies one both parents and children. One cannot make do without the other.

regrets... regrets... and more regrets...
Being stubborn and ignorant is nvr going to help... I admit, i made a mistake. And how my life turned out was actually & basically my fault. For the first time i feel so sorry for being all about myself. I realise now.. but its too late for some things... then again not too late to start a brand life. I feel proud to open heartedly say that this was my fault and realise why and what i could have done, and i feel an ounce wiser. Regrets.. ya it sucks but it'll go away in time. Better things will come by.. or so I say to myself.

I met a friend on Sunday, been sometime since I've seen her. I kinda miss us updating each other every other weekend. I am not sure why, but I actually shared with her the exact details of my problem. She then understood my dilemma. She offered to help me out. Thanks gal. She also dropped a few trusty hints on what she thinks i should be doing and she gave one very good advice. Yes gal, you drove point real good. Time.. take your time. I will. A decision taken in a rush is almost always never satisfactory.

I know that some form of a supreme power is assisting me in many ways through this adverse conditions. I owe a million thank yous and gazillion sorries for not bothering to notice what all you have done for me. Till this morning, i had a fear that things may simply take a turn again. That I may not have a choice. That scared me. But i realised that, ultimately its my choice. I have to seize this right and keep it safe with me.

A certain significant person is very confused and has a very bad habit of pushing and imposing and insisting and yelling or what ever it takes for you to eventually say that he is right. Which is down right wrong. It's ok to be a devil's advocate but not OK to take an opposite stand all the time simply because you feel you are in a better position or any wiser. You could be wise, but your anger has blinded that. What is the point in insisting that you r right there and then even though whatever I say could be right but eventually am forced to nod in agreement to whatever you say... and then later you come back to say something totally different like as thought it was sth it came across your mind.. and that was my point in the first place!! Just look at that! Very painstaking! You may not be in a better position either. Cos the atual fact is that, how you have been predicting(Or should I say, what you have brought yourself to believe) my relationship has been all the while is not true. I know better! Only I know.. I am in a better position to judge if there is any hope. So, leave it to me please. Thank you. I'm not going allow your fickle mindedness to be contagious. I've had enough of that. I'll stick to my own agenda, which I have been sticking to all the way. It was you, who disagreed at first.. then came up to the idea which i had already thought of .. so not exactly an idea... then turning back and forth.. blahz! enough enough... I'll decide... give me time.. that'll do. I have the lord by my side... and since i know it now more than ever.. I know I'll make a good decision when the time comes..

On a random note... The office on the 9th floor of my work place building was broken into. Despite all that security. And what of our homes? Scary isn't it? My super sweet Jacky is not a guard dog by nature... maybe a watch dog. Not a very reliable form of security i would say.

Labels: Fate with its warped sense of humour, the heart

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Monday, October 08, 2007

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