Friday, October 26, 2007

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I feel even lousier...

Labels: the heart

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I might not be blogging for awhile for the below mentioned reasons... plus a couple of other unmentioned reasons...

1) my exams are nearing... so i need to stop blogging at work.. so that i finish work on time to run home early and get more time to study

2) as anyone who reads this can notice.. my life is not at its best at the moment.. i am rather sick and tired of filling my blog with sad entries to makes no sense to a certain significant people... enough of wasting my time... the next time.. i intend to post a happified one.. and tt might take sometime

3) I am simply lazy.. so u mind?

Bhazzz!! ZzzZzz...


I know the lord is there..
I swear! he's really there for me..

I'm loving him...

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

My heart is convulsing…
Shocking..
How I fell so deep for you

Even more shocking it is..
That this could be it.
The dead end ..
For us.

What I felt..
A few have experienced..
Many have no idea..

What’s life after this?
It seems too blur
To be sure..

I feel jaded..
I under estimated me
I over estimated us..

I don’t pity me
I’ve come to know
The reality of the human nature

I have no one to blame
Except me..
My naivety..

Henceforth, I make a promise..
To respect myself..
To know my worth
To treasure my integrity
To choose my faith
To never be deterred by emotions
To never stumble in the name of love
To never question hardship
To never ever entrust my heart
To one who knows not the worth…

I promise you this… And now you’ll be safe
In the embrace of your very own integrity..
The lord’s by your side.. Fear not, your heart & soul is
Thus far from further detriment

I will nvr let anyone hurt me like this anymore! It does not matter you are to me.. This will be the last time I smile beyond my tears… I just promised myself that.

Monday, October 08, 2007

why is it that wen i have a jacket .. i don't need it and its extremely warm in this room...
And why is when i don't have a jacket.. It rains outside i start to freeze inside?

Labels: Fate with its warped sense of humour

The last weekend was a fruitful one..I managed to keep up to my Rev TT. Only weak point is that my project has got a long way to go and its due this Thursday. Speaking of Thursday, someone special is coming over. I'm so looking forward to that. I feel super loved.WeeEEee!!

As for how things took a turn in my life lately. I have nothing much to say. I realised a few things though. I really need to know when to open my mouth and when to shut it! I realised that i have inadvertently deprived myself of certain things. Yes, I know it is not good to regret or think of the what ifs and could haves. I was like <-> this close to what could have been a more desirable turning point at that time. Why did i have to force myself blindly? Why did behave like i am being all so filial and holy when it wasn't really required of me? I feel really stupid. What on earth was I thinking. I had a chance to have a choice, but did not use it. Stupid? yes.. Sad thing is that, even my parents couldn't help. I was not making it conducive for them to make a balanced decision? My fault? yes... See this is what desperation and having no control over my emotional self did to me.. If only i stopped, took time and thought through for at least a day or two rather than to question why the hell was all that happening to me.. .. like DAMN! what a waste... It was there... right in front of me... dangling for my taking... and i saw thru it.
Stupid to the power of a million can?

To all parents and children.. It impossible to know exactly what is running through each others' minds. Don't be guessing. That is being very hard on yourself. Open you mouth and heart and talk... don't question.. listen.. enquire .. but don't question.. give each other time.. and talk about it again... It saves so much trouble. This responsibility lies one both parents and children. One cannot make do without the other.

regrets... regrets... and more regrets...
Being stubborn and ignorant is nvr going to help... I admit, i made a mistake. And how my life turned out was actually & basically my fault. For the first time i feel so sorry for being all about myself. I realise now.. but its too late for some things... then again not too late to start a brand life. I feel proud to open heartedly say that this was my fault and realise why and what i could have done, and i feel an ounce wiser. Regrets.. ya it sucks but it'll go away in time. Better things will come by.. or so I say to myself.

I met a friend on Sunday, been sometime since I've seen her. I kinda miss us updating each other every other weekend. I am not sure why, but I actually shared with her the exact details of my problem. She then understood my dilemma. She offered to help me out. Thanks gal. She also dropped a few trusty hints on what she thinks i should be doing and she gave one very good advice. Yes gal, you drove point real good. Time.. take your time. I will. A decision taken in a rush is almost always never satisfactory.

I know that some form of a supreme power is assisting me in many ways through this adverse conditions. I owe a million thank yous and gazillion sorries for not bothering to notice what all you have done for me. Till this morning, i had a fear that things may simply take a turn again. That I may not have a choice. That scared me. But i realised that, ultimately its my choice. I have to seize this right and keep it safe with me.

A certain significant person is very confused and has a very bad habit of pushing and imposing and insisting and yelling or what ever it takes for you to eventually say that he is right. Which is down right wrong. It's ok to be a devil's advocate but not OK to take an opposite stand all the time simply because you feel you are in a better position or any wiser. You could be wise, but your anger has blinded that. What is the point in insisting that you r right there and then even though whatever I say could be right but eventually am forced to nod in agreement to whatever you say... and then later you come back to say something totally different like as thought it was sth it came across your mind.. and that was my point in the first place!! Just look at that! Very painstaking! You may not be in a better position either. Cos the atual fact is that, how you have been predicting(Or should I say, what you have brought yourself to believe) my relationship has been all the while is not true. I know better! Only I know.. I am in a better position to judge if there is any hope. So, leave it to me please. Thank you. I'm not going allow your fickle mindedness to be contagious. I've had enough of that. I'll stick to my own agenda, which I have been sticking to all the way. It was you, who disagreed at first.. then came up to the idea which i had already thought of .. so not exactly an idea... then turning back and forth.. blahz! enough enough... I'll decide... give me time.. that'll do. I have the lord by my side... and since i know it now more than ever.. I know I'll make a good decision when the time comes..

On a random note... The office on the 9th floor of my work place building was broken into. Despite all that security. And what of our homes? Scary isn't it? My super sweet Jacky is not a guard dog by nature... maybe a watch dog. Not a very reliable form of security i would say.

Labels: Fate with its warped sense of humour, the heart

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Do you love me?
How much?

Do you love me enough to admit something you have not over a decade?
Do you love me enough to stick to a job you hate to the bones till you grow old?
Do you love me enough to take my word for it all the time?
Do you love me enough to trust that i will never intend to control you?
Do you love me enough to remember every second in your life that whatever I do, I will hold my best interests for u at heart?
Do you love me enough to accept whatever short faults and change it whole heartedly?
Do you love me enough to do everything you do not just for my sake but with all due diligence?
Do you love me enough to let go of everything, take my hand and let me lead you?
Do you love me enough to let go of your dreams & take the most pragmatic path for our happiness?
Do you love me enough to face all challenges patiently & with confidence that you are not alone?
Do you love me enough to give yourself to me heart, soul & mind forever?

I dont know.. I don't think so...


There is hope for us to be...
no doubt about that...
but
how the fruits of it is to be harvested
is in your hands...

Even that... needs the efforts and the patience
of one who rears a bonsai plant...

Are you capable of that?
No ... i don't think so..
At least from how much i have seen
from you up till now..

How badly is my presence needed?
I don't care...
It's all about whats in there for me to walk back into..

The way i see it..
is naught but a lifetime of uncertainty...
& I am damn well sure i don't derserve that
I've mentioned this one before and i will do so again..
I'm not going to blame fate
for i have a choice...

You are in no position to judge me now..
Or serve expectations according to my age..
My biggest disappointment is YOU..
not your condition..
even the lies i can let go..
IT IS YOU!!

I dont want to go back to that YOU!!
thats that!

If there is anything that change that..
Which i doubt... its still YOU!
how are you gg to change YOU?!
you won't! you can't and i dont expect you to..
let me be...
JUST LET ME GO!

am i not human..
don't you think i'd just wish that
I could just ignore all these like it nvr happened
just come home and hug you like good old times
how can i do that now?! with YOU harbouring such thoughts...
with YOU acting like our relationship was perfect .. it was actually tolerance!
You will change... now that things have come this far...
how long will that last? 1 yr2, yr... why after we have a kid or two..
then WHAT?! what's in it for ME!?!
notice how i nvr really asked that question when it came to both of us..
can you even remember a single time i was this selfish?
u canT!
but now i am... cos the time and situation calls for it..
I'm no mother theresa k? I'm normal..

You lied.
Underestimated me..
You lazed
You are irresponsible.
you had no fire to excel
you lived for the day.
What are you?

You simply can't stand the fact that i'm being ambitious..
Have i ever told you that i can't stand the fact you lack any direction?!!!
It never bugged me much... maybe at tiny weeny corner of my heart... yes..
but noW! It means alot more! My very decision is dependent on the type of mindset you have..
The way I see it.. It's bleak.. no light at the end of the tunnel..

All you want is a nod-head-all-the-time doll..
somone who's naive and takes your word for it all the time..
Trust you unconditionally...
and never question you at all..

let me b brutally truthful to u..
what YOU want.. does not reside in me..
and YOU are not worth me changing either!!
Because... you are nothing of what i expected...
simple as that.. if you want me to take you for who you are..
then this is who i am ..
And when this whoever i am makes a decision..
SHE'LL STICK TO IT!!

You are very caring person..
You did many small things that surprised me...
But how long is that going to last?
You are not my PA..
you are more than that..
Neither am i a doll...
I'm more than that!
A million sorries..
And a zillion assuring phrases that all will be fine..
is not enough.. not even close to making me feel any better..
it only means that you all are missing the whole POINT!

Just what on earth were you thinking of me?
I can ask you so many questions you have no answer for..
Did you actually think i'd chicken away like that..
DO you know that it this thought that is driving me away..
I know you will always sympathize with me and go
oh poor little gal...
really i don't need that...
I've been through a fair bit in my life..
enough to handle things the way i do...
You'll nvr be able to convince yourself that..
so you'll nvr be able to convince me..
that things will be normal after this..

A lifetime with you is not 5 or 6 yrs..
its almost half a century...
you & i have no idea how long it is..
The vastness of it with you..
simply scares me...

you sounded so helpless over the phone..
I pity you.. I also know that pity is not enough to live a lifetime..
Like i said.. if there is any hope..
it's so tiny... rare...
that its hard to pick out and work it out..
you have to either fight YOU
or let it go...
that is the bottom line choice..
and the choice to for me to make..
not you.. or your parents.. or my parents.. or my siblings!
NOONE BUT ME!
this is about all i can assure.....

Leave me be! ALL OF YOU!! just leave me be...

Monday, October 01, 2007

Today is the 1st of Oct 07



1st day of a very significant month to me...

haha.. a sigficant few know why!! keke!



haiz.. giggling and smiling always remind me that i have lost that someone i can share it with..

I didn't even loose it.. i dropped it.. haiz! sounds mean? ya.. sure it does..



Remember the series.. Zena ( or was it Xena?) the warrior princess?

She had a bestie she loved with all her heart.. Gabriel. There was this episode where

Gabriel was having a child.. the child of the devil himself or sth to that extend.

Obviously Xena was to destroy it..Gabriel like any other mother to her child went all out to protect it.. the baby was so cute and innocent with the blue eyes.. like how eveil could it get?!

Xena was caught.. one hand she loves her bestie and understands that the baby is very impt to her... other hand.. she had to do wat she had to do...



See i am stuck in such a situation.. the right thing to do.. and the emotional setbacks..

Well.. how many times am i to repeat this..



Back to October!

I've been trying to follow my rev TT relegiously... but i wandered off a little yesterday.. I got distracted...



see jacky has been unwell. He's been visiting the bathroom like quite often.. and there were very visible traces of blood in this urine... so poor thing.. we kind of suspect that he either has UTI, ate something dumb, or rammed himself against god knows where and got an internal injury..

Haiz... i really hope it's nothing serious... This huggable creature has been my only solace in many ways... and about the only thing that makes me forget what i really am going thru when i hug him... a very commonly used phrase... but i mean it... he's one of the best things that happened to my life...



Back to studying... Looks like keeping to TT will be a little challenging but not impossible. As long as i get to come home immediately after work... which doesnt happen sometimes... then on those days i have to stay up...



Office people have been easy on me... but i can see it's all about tolerence .. not sympathy..

A good no. got promoted.. and i didnt.. solely cos i am new... or so they say.. but they have no reason to give me one either.. i think that is the truth. I feel my performence is low generally at work... i am not sure if my work is demanding, just fine or easy ... I haven't had enough experience to judge that.. i do know that i am being underpaid though.. my bosses know that too.. they openly speak of it even. They claim they ensure growth... but for me... its the flexibility that keeps me here... Frankly speaking, i don't see this place as a long term thingy. Who cares about growth? I can get that from other places too! It's the $$ that matters doesnt it? Growth is not just promotions and exposure, its the standard of living too... and for that we need more $$. However, I have no particular plans.. now that my sense of direction has been shattered thanks to you know wat..


Home.. is squeezy... haha! but cozy.. since i feel rather jaded most of the times... i tend to either just laze or move it and finish my agenda for the day... thats all.. One thing though.. It really feels good to be home.. feels good to have someone to talk to at home.. someone who is very close to you at heart and also situation wise.. someone god sent to us.. as my friend and as my anni.. Just her presence and her giggles, her calling out for my name with oh so gentle and sweet voice, and many other things about her... makes my day.. not to mentioned the fantastic food she makes.. sometimes i feel i might be taking advantage of her.. i should work on that.. It just feels super good to have her around ... but some day life will go on.. and she'll be too bz for me haha! haiz.. then i'll b on my own agn.. sad isnt it.. at least it'll b sometime b4 that some day turns up.. maybe i shouldnt care... i should just probably bug her! keke!



School is all about my exam TT at the moment! OMG! haiz.. i want to score.. but i think that is near impossible now...

Beyond all that i have typed until now.. I just realised that this about the worst thing that has ever happened to me... and i still feel steady.. so many little things have happened to me before and they felt like a tragedies ... but this? I feel proud... but wierd..

Maybe like my mom say's God has other plans for me.. and part of it is to let me catch up with MY life...

Then again in due time... i know i'll be facing the real challenges... be it my social life, school, work, my parents.. etc. Somethings have a very high possibility of getting back to square one... and those somethings... may not be to my liking? *shakes the head*

Still... some corner of my head goes.. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings!

BUT!! You know something? I am a very blessed person..

:)

It's My say

Henceforth, i make a promise..

To respect myself
To know my worth
To treasure my integrity
To choose my faith
To never be deterred by emotions
To never stumble in the name of love
To never question hardship
To never ever entrust my heart
Upon one who knows not it's worth

The One & ONLI

quoted...

Pets.. sweet, lovable, rainbow, sincere, friend, cute, unique

Peeves ..quick tempered, hard thinker, soft hearted, emo queen, mad, ando, soda

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