Friday, September 28, 2007

Guess what i had for lunch?

I was down.. lathargic...
I need to sth to perk me up!
I wanted sth spicey and chilled out type...

So i took a walk to 7 eleven and bought myself a chillie crab instant noodles which was super spicy... Like my chithappa says.. the food's spicyness is shiok only when you cna feel it on ya lips!! fuuuaah!! it burning man and i'm loving it!!

And.. i got myself a nice chilled bottle of vanilla frapuucino.. surprising?! ya i no i don't take coffee... but i didn't want red bull... so i got myself this.. a little caffaine would help ya?
And its quite nice.. happy lunch = happy worker...

See.. if i see to the simplest things in my life.. maybe i can be a happier person on the whole..
and who knows... my mojo might just come running back to me for good.. i miss me mojo.. :(


I just realised something..

After i replied aarthi's and vaani's tags this morning...
I need inspiration..I totally forgot about it..cos i totally lost it!!

What aarthi told me lasted me a few hours and i came back to read it again. I told meself "Get moving!! " I can't possibly seeking external inspiration every few hours. My 1st paper is on the 31st next mth. Thats not really much time and i've done nothing in terms of revising other than planning a revision TT. It is a step... but i've got a long way to go. I need that drive!! It's GONE!!!!

AARRRR!!!! The fire to excel with an "I dont care" attitude has been put out all thanks to my domestic challenges. The best part is.. it's still not over... And it won't be over till in a very long time.. Over that! Things may take a turn any time any where.. How am i supposed to be focused like this?!! I know it sounds like an excuse.. but haiz.. ya maybe its an excuse.. maybe I am pitying myself too much. But even if i behave thick skinned, it shrivels every now and then at the thought of certain events... Even that may be an excuse... right?

I'm simply off track now.. I can't think straight or focus for even a span of ten minutes.. What kind of a responsible adult that my parents see me as behaves like that! Much to my dismay, I can't help it.. urgh!

My mom says that i should use this chance and channel all my strength on my studies, work and music (She says, "just these 3 things!").. see if it is anger it a different thing altogether. It's plain blue disappointment... whats there to channel.. It's only draining me..It's draining all the energy out of me when i try to remain clam/sane...

I know things could get alot worse.. thank god a zillion that i have the 4 of them to tap my confidence and smiles from. We all are sharing the same regrets and sorrow.. It's comforting to know i am not alone..

See.. this is how i know god has shown his grace on me..

He can only help so much... the rest is up to me right?
That is why i am complaining... Cos I am not getting down to it...
I am behaving like such a weakling...
I need to get that Arse on the move!
Where's that "Heck every thing else..
I'm gg to lead my life my way. the RIGHT WAY" DRIVE?
where can i find it?
That's the only thing missing right now...
of cos... alot of other things and people are missing in my life..
but for now...
The impt thing is the NEED... i need a DRIVE!!!
I want to stop living day by day.. event by event.. task by task..
I can't ... i hate to feel helpless
I want To live thru days.. weeks... months...
and look forward to the years to come..
I need to grab a hold of my life now...
now now now!!!


*jumps out of the chair in search of mojo*

ya i wish!~

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I just bought me a pair of shoes!

Since my old one broke... i have an excuse!!

Its a little heely and ex too...
My mom is probably gg yelp at the sight of it!

The BIG PLUs is ITS LEATHER!! yayness!!


Haha! oh hell!
i need to spurge a little $$ on poor me right now..
perks me up a little... eh?!

Labels: randomness

Labels: Fate with its warped sense of humour

My mind, heart and soul are slowly setting back to synch
They are almost done with the oscillation of setting themselves to the recent changes in my life..

There are still the set backs, hesitations, ambiguity...
but yes.. i'm almost there..

A new life..
is on the way..

Just you wait my friend..
You have loads in store for you..
a Zillion challenges..
A gazillion terrible moments..
And for each ..
I am assured a smile..
not by u
not by me..
not by anyone in particular..
Its just faith..

Brace yourself..
you have a tough ride ahead of you...

May god and love be by my side always..

UP!
UP!
& AWAY!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

everything has changed... its still changing... and alot more will be changing..

Nothing is absolute or confirmed..
not yet...

but part of my brain is... moving way too fast...
another part is still insisting on taking some time..

no... it doesnt suck..

its just...
just..
i really lack the words to explain..

really i'm fine.. probably cos i'm not the only one in this whole trash..

but i'm still apprehensive.. ya.. not like i've been thru this before..

What if suddenly everything was supposed to fine and we took it differently..
that's the only wat if...

Really i'm not so used to making selfish decisions...
my heart is feeling all so twitchy about it..
then again.. i know its not wrong..

I've learned that as we grow old..
There is no perfect line between the right and wrong..
some things are more wrong than others
some things are more rights than others..
some things just may not be right or wrong at all..
some things.. may be one to you.. and something else to another..

all those some things... can be really hard on you..
when its the matter of the heart...
most of the time..
it is..

this whole irony..
this is wat overwhelms me..

but not that i've tumbled and i'm pieces now..
I'm fine..
maybe shocked...
but fine..
just fine..

May the lord be with me..
I know he is..

I shall visit you some time.. loves!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Labels: the heart

Thursday, September 20, 2007

you know wat scares me the most..

That i'm going to be just another person in your life..

That i'm not the special someone to you anymore..

Please tell me its not like that..

cos i'll loose my reason to live..

if it so..


I'm feeling that pang deep within my rib cage..
Very tempted to rip my heart out and leave it in the freezer for a while..

Seemed like yesterday when i was boasting how great a life i was having..
now it all slipped out of my hands..

Yesterday... when i was forced to reflect and judge...
i came to many conclusions and solutions..
One of which was about the most drastic it could in a marraige..
Such an option... doesnt seem impossible at the situation i am in..
I know its my wish.. but.. haiz..
What next?

i get this dead end feeling..

so, whats the point of
i told you so
would have
could have
if only
why
me
...
..
.


so many posts within such a short time... despite the fact that i am in the office with so much to catch up on... can you imagine how disturbed i feel?

It disturbing... to know that i was intentionally put into this situation... why me?
what on earth made you think i can go thru this?
a mess you created..
and you wanted to clean it up at the expense of my sanity?
Who are you to make such a decision?
I still love, care and respect you..
but yor are a major diappointment..
Now.. i'm stuck for many blissful moments i had..
U always had your way..
but you forgot to think for me right?
Why?

Sleep well my vigil keeping...
At least you should have it..


so many beside me.. supporting and caring for me..


yet i feel that i am fighting a personal war...
on my own...
maybe with myself..

haiz.. and i so thought that nth could go wrong for me anymore...

I thought... that bad times are gone for good..

why is this happening? what did i do?


i just realised something...

God loves me sooo much... in fact too much...

Be careful what you wish for shanti...

Haiz.. this is not the first time..

I'm sorry mom and dad...

















finally received my deserved slumber..
Felt like eons ago..
when i slept knowing tmr is gg to be just fine..

It feel stronger at heart..
for anger resides within..
My body feels weak..
yet the image of your hostile face..
drove me to work..

disappointed...
i am.. cos of how u've been judging me..
and acting like everything was fine with me..
when you had to tolerate..
everytime you felt that i was trying to b better than you..
when i was just trying to better myself..
for you..

i don't expect equality..
i only beg to differ..
i don't expect you to give credit for everything i say..
but all i want is to tell you my piece..

its always the perception that comes between us..
yet you shut it within
& only showed the perfections..
only to blind this fool...
and shock her the last minute..

I was selfish to you when i was there for you..
Now i plan to take that as an advice..
And i shall do so..

Until yesterday..
I was all about you..
but today.. u are part of me..
the rest.. is going to be just me..
Cos i have come to know ..
what i deserve and what i don't

I may sound unfair..
but life hasn't been that fair to me either..
notice that i'm still not blaming you..
thats cos u may think that i'm weak..
but its the strength thats keeping me sane..

Problems are problems when they don't have a solution..
If it's something that is gg to recur..
am i expected to make do..
mind you.. here i won't blame fate..
for i have a choice..

Think hard.. think fast..
b4 you loose me..
either by heart, soul, or mind...
you choose..

You have tainted my soul

way too deep..

i'm still not blaming you..

I only blame your ignorance..

Labels: the heart

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I'm relieved... but in shock
I'm scared... but confident
I feel bad.. but angry
I'm exhausted.. but anxious
I feel strong.. but have new found phobias
I'm lost... but clear
I feel hopeless.. but i feel lighter
I miss you... but i feel peaceful
I'm sorry... but i wont blame me..
I love you.. but is it the same?




Basically i'm a walking container full of contradictions...
All cos i'm mad at you...
cos i'm mad about u..






The room haunts me..
And i blame you for it..
Yet i can only sleep in that bed..

Every door slammed..
Every car started..
Every ride in a car..
Every sound of running water..
Every wet pillow..
Every dishevelled bed..
Every neatly arranged set of items..
Every Lit candle..
Every Carton of marigold fruit jiuce..
Every morning 4.45am..
. . .

Love you so much..
yet i hate you so much..
But can't blame you..
And i won't pity you

You hurt me beyond bearing..
Yet i stayed..
Only to show that i'm strong..
But u thought i was weak

Your words stung me..
and my heart twitched..
never thought thought i'd feel this way..
but you taught me that..

You showed so much hate..
& i thought it was for real..
i still suspect so..
Was all that we hugged and laughed for
a charade?
You make me wonder..

I was told..
none of it i should give heed to..
but if its not real..
then where did it come from?

Time heals all wounds...
But is this a wound..
or has a curse been put on me..

You raised hell.. in the name of love
I stood by you
even though it burned me to shells..
All you did was to panic..
shouldnt you be laughing at youself instead?

I love you..
& want a lifetime with you..
But do i have a price to pay...
Am i to pay all my life...
Can my sanity endure..

You threw so many irrelevant Qs..
which led to me questioning my life...
You even questioned who i was to you..
When i was all about you...

You made me do things..
things i once sweared i'd nvr do to myself..
Thats how much u meant to me
But it meant nth to you..
At least then..

You said i'm a selfish..
which part of allowing you to do this to me is selfish?
Which part me was not worrying the shit out of me..
for you...

You made me feel like a 3rd person..
at the same time..
you made me feel responsible for all that you were..
Basically, u made me a fool

You laughed..
at my fear...
not that i feared u..
i feared for you..

you basked in my confusion..
but that helped in my decision...
Decision that its high time that you...
you know what...

Now you sleep with peace by your side..
When you wake..
it's a brand new start
till then i'll pay my price... for god knows what..
but i'll pay with the unconditional wait
and more if i have to..
cos i said god knows..

in love and hope i may wither...
but in the lord I will trust..
for he's my one and only salvage..
constantly.. unconditionally... truely..

Even this post... i didn't write it for me.. so u would you understand why? I doubt my friend.. i doubt...

P.S. Friends. Please don't ask me anything... I is fine... anyways.. whats life w/o its ups and downs huh?

Labels: the heart

Monday, September 17, 2007

I'm fine now already... i'm at work... i feel as good as normal... although a little dazed... good enough...

All will be fine...


fate has been really driving me to the edge lately...
everything is not wat i had hope or prayed for..
well not really everything... almost.


i truely believe god will nvr put me thru things i can't handle... or at least w/o help..BUT!!
I have come to a point where i think letting things happen might be easier on me.. rather fighting till my sanity dries out... But that's selfish... i want to fight... i want to help.. but!
i can only do so if i am allowed to do so.. You can't lead 'e way when you're blind.. blind i am for i am as lost as anyone could be..


I guess as we grow up..
1) when we take a look behind, we feel glad to have gone thru all that shit we went thru.. and a million dollars good for having to overcome it.... and then u feel invincible..
2) more complex problems crop up... and you forget all that you had done to pull thru up till now... and then you feel helpless...


we swing back and forth 1 & 2... really in my opinion its harrowing... i call it the roller coaster..
ironically, i love such joy rides .. i meant the real ones like MGM & escape...

There is the good old saying "true love is the ultimate lasting hope". Yes, it doesn't require any form of reason... cos it simply lasts... but! frankly speaking love has been the make and break for me when in need of hope...

So, when in dire need of hope or just something to cling on to in order to retain my sanity... i converse with the some supreme power i have no idea about but somewhat have a good impression and trust upon... He/she will get around to providing what i need.... i truely believe that... the keyword is.. need ... not want... It helps...

Fate has a warped sense of humor really...
cos when i asked why.. i felt like a fool.. today i feel really thankful..
I know my time is not good... but i'm still ok
That! i owe to all the testy times fate has put me thru...

FATE! taught me that we all are here to strive and go through hardship to better ourselves... or to be specific... our soul... at the end of the day... our body dies.. and our soul lives on... there is no escape from our problems. It is mandate to face it, solve it, handle it or what ever you have to do but... death is no solution... why i say so... you can come and ask me personally ... i can explain..

the best part is that i learnt about this at a very crucial point of my life... so crucial that i had to choose if i were to live and make do or die a stubborn person... you have a choice to start to live or end your life...(mind you i'm stubborn by nature) ... cos dying is very easy... as easy as being born...but what happens before or after your decision is not your choice... sounds unfair.. but it is good for us...

So this! this... help me to get thru when the going gets tough... besides... we all have a reason to live... and that reason is to better our soul... via conditioning and culturing...

Everything has an answer... its all got to do with whether you are willing to see it and accept it...

Have faith shanti... have faith...
Give fate a fighting chance...

Friday, September 14, 2007

In my veins blood has company..

E' uninvited seathing anger...

The day this cease..

is my peace...

I've yet to say my piece..

but in my patience you feast..

Labels: the heart

Thursday, September 13, 2007

It's My say

Henceforth, i make a promise..

To respect myself
To know my worth
To treasure my integrity
To choose my faith
To never be deterred by emotions
To never stumble in the name of love
To never question hardship
To never ever entrust my heart
Upon one who knows not it's worth

The One & ONLI

quoted...

Pets.. sweet, lovable, rainbow, sincere, friend, cute, unique

Peeves ..quick tempered, hard thinker, soft hearted, emo queen, mad, ando, soda

Well of WORDS

EXITS

Me cHiThU Ni
Me BrO
Photo blog by Jillendra oru Jodi
Angelin
Aarthi
eSh
KLKillahs - me n3t hangout
Dee pLaC3 4 KeWl pIc5

archives

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

June 2007

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

credits

Designer: %purplish.STEPS
Editor: %purplish.STEPS
Image: createblog
Brushes: 1 ,2
Adobe Photoshop