Thursday, April 26, 2007

I just came back from my co. law paper.... the paper was very tough... i had a terrible feeling about yesterday night... one fell sick in the midst of the paper... another broke down aft 'e paper... none were happy about it..

Really i dont even think i wasnt prepared enough... the question was way too challenging.. 15 marks and 20 marks Qs... really i had not much to right about... i could even comprehend wat the Q was asking of me... or at least i couldnt write much in answer for it... 3/4 page is for sure not enough for a 20 mark Q... but really didnt know what else i could write.. i must be missing a point... the questions were not straight forward... really tricky... those out and out to kill type... if so many people fail constantly... there must be sth wrong with the syllabus... today i realise that my lecture group had loads of 2nd timers in it... i am very disappointed... i really dont want to repeat or anything...

in the morning ... i expected a distinction for this paper.... now all i ask for is a pass..

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

today was the first paper i had with SIM... so fast and its been a sem... yes! 25% down another 75% more to go.. then i'll go for a CPA... then i am SOMEBODY man!! lolz... ok that was a little childish eh... but wat to do... a chinna aaseh that requires so much of hardwork... the paper today was ok... i was a little panic during me reading time... theory can really scare me... but thanks to the little prep talk i had with uncle on the way to sch while he was dropping me.. i managed to muster my confidence just throw my "business sense"(like me uncle mentioned) into it... well... i cant promised an A* for that Q.... at least i know i did some damage control... overall i rushed thru the paper like a marathon for life... i cant say that any of the questions were very tough... however being the careless aunty i am... i suspect loads of hidden regrets in that answer sheet.. i hpe it doesnt cost me like a whole grade or sth... damn i wont even know about it..

Yesterday... a friend of mine was dropping by and saying hi... b4 i carry on with this story lemme give you snippet of this friend of mine and me... aint gg to mention e name or give out too many details though...

Friend of mine:

WAS a very close friend of mine... so close that the friendship we shared seemed abosolute... but as u can see that is past tense... of cos i dont plan to go all so cat fight about it... so we are still hi bye and get lost kinda friends... at least to me la.. i dont no abt that person... nt like i care... boo hoo hoo!


k enuff of the snippet...

SO surprisingly this person came up to me was like hi how are you... and then the Q came up... "So! how is marriage life?" and i go like " its going well ... better than i thought.." then said.."hur hur... of cos wat... you're happy cos you're lucky"

That split second i literally jumped off my seat like an unproperly placed lid of a pressure cooker.... LUCK?!!?!?!?! luck??!?!?! oh wer was luck wen i was crying out for loud when you ditched me? is luck playing your life for you... are you happy with your guy cos of SHEER LUCK>!! can i say that you and your family are bloody smiling cos of LUCK>?!!?!?!

I could literally taste the poison of the sacarsm behind her sentence! i could hear you saying it... considering how much i know about you. Yes yes... i admit... the whole wedding thing costs a bomb... and yes me dad and uncle cld afford it... not cos they vasool maamul... cos they worked the life out of themselves for this happy moment...

If was i happy cos i was lucky.... means you expected me to be all so vazhvey mayam about my early wedlock all my life?!! didnt you?!! aw... how sweet.. you pitied me... was i like begging for you to telecast to the whole world "poor meenatchi...bla bla bla" i am in no need of pity yours... dont be all so delusionised tamil padamish people!

Luck has no part to play in my emotions... as far as i am concerned as easily as it gives it takes... so i don't bank on it... yes i've lived a comfy live ... i've had the luxury... a family that wasnt broken... parents who were nvr biased... a brother who was nvr a tharuthaleh... a friend in the name of my bro... a dog to come home to.... finance that could afford me and more... a lovely house to live in... no abuse... and importantly with no form of handicapness in me... basically i am perfectly normal... as much i cld list down all the perfections in my life... i have loads more to complain abt it! doesnt mean i am not complaining... its flawless! its simply means i dont wish to brood over it...

Happiness, sadness, anger, love, hate are all emotions... they come and go... not because you are "fated" to feel it there and then... because of events around... you are happy cos you CHOOSE to be happy... you are sad cos you CHOOSE to be sad...you hate sth cos you DONT love it... and you LOVE sth cos you CHOOSE to make it sth that important to u... CHOICE!! its all your choice... i made my choice... and that was to be happy... mind you ! i didnt make do (i.e. oh well this all there is to my life... i guess i shall just make do). i changed my situation... i seized the chance to take over my my life... worked it out... and of course with the blessed love of those around me especially my husby... (whom also i have to take efforts to love too... cos nth comes without working for.. trust me falling in love happens only in the movies and story books...) these ppl could be all so supportive and loving towards me... but if i were to remain as a self pitying bum who whines and rants all day about fate... aint nothing is going to budge to happiness... really... then probably life would have been so disastrous that any gal in such a stage would probably cease her own lifeline only to regret for eternity... and that all so "sincere" friend of mine might come over and shed a few tears for the zillion good times we probably had and have yet another story to share with the world...

No... i didnt allow any of that to happen... did you really think i am that helpless a fool to let my emotions rule me like that... no way yoz! I was sure that wherever i went i must be happy... even in the slightest crack in the wall of chance to have a fulfilled joy at heart... i'll go for it... today my happiness has been laid upon a chance to be the ideal me... a clear conscience .. and hells loads of love to share with him and my family with him... yes me dear shockness ... i love him with all my BIG FAT HEART!!

here and now... i certify him as the best thing that happened to myself.. (although he came thru the worst heheh! BUT it was worth the hell ride!)

Sorry lovies if it sounded all so angsty... still a form of reflection... just in a pathrakaali style...


haha! I feel better now... i'd probably feel even better if i get to hear that ... the "trusty" friend of mine actually read this..

hehe... adoiz... and anni... you no sth... i dono why... i cant stop thinking of you all day... humphz... i lau you!! mmmuaaahhhz! hehe its so cool to kiss ya bro's pretty wifey... keke

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

its a sin... its a sin to be bloggin now... but hell i'm human!

:p


i had to...

when i had all the chance and facilities... i didnt utilise it... when i had the freedom of a clear mind... the freedom do so at my own pace... the energy... the youth ... i had all these freedom... and yet i complained of restriction... now i am free... free from the grasp of expectations... which enclosed my very drive to strive... how foolish ...

now that i have all the "freedom" i was ranting for... the foolish me yearns for that enclosed cosiness to strive and no cost...

sad ... inbound human thing... the scarce is the most treasured... like diamonds.. like oil... like true love...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

yesterdAY... haiz... it was a v wierd day... i was almost convinced that it wasnt for real... felt like a dream.. then again i was quite sure that it wasnt one cos i had absolute control over my thoughts and deeds.... usually in dreams... u think and do wat u are supposed to do according to the dream... haha! i hope that made sense...

I was dazed... walking zombie... i was desperate that i even bought e Vits from GNC... i was worried of how my revision was going to turn out at that state... i popped in the vits and it didnt make any dif... i even think that it got worst... i was so not down on earth that i starting conversing with myself... trying to find out if the day i lived was for real...

eventually i deperately hit the books as soon as i reached .... dream or not... i must get that done for the day...just in case if it wasnt a dream lolz!and slowly y mind shifted back to reality as i flipped the pages and forgot about the whole ordeal... i was amused with my amazing concentration level and the amount i covered in that study time.. i finished early.. i was very thelivufied! it all felt perfect... real and perfect! haha... and i retired to sleep...

Then i realised... that the whole day i felt dazed due to my sleeping pattern for the past three days... it was usually falling in and out of sleep with a dozen and dreams and only sleeping all the way aft hours .... leading to oni a few hours of proper sleep... why do such things happen? well.. for me it was cos my mind was disturbed by the fact that i didnt spend time revising as much as i should have... the day didnt feel complete......

Then today... my MIL was relaying a ten minute incident to me for the past 45 mins...

Dont worry mine's a short one..

well she had some chest ... hm...wats that word? not pain... rather strains... pulls...
and had difficulty breathing... (mind you... she had some payasam from the temple and she ate some kesari w/o our knowing at home plus coconut chutney that morning) she apparently had this attack at ard 11 plus... me husby and i were alseep... they were calling out for us it seems... our door was closed with ac... and we both we dead beat tired... we immidiately fell asleep... It seems the maid came up and tried to call out our names... oh please... cant she bang the bloody door! want to no wat a reason she gave for that? "illeh athellah yeppadi... neengellah chinna sirusingeh... innerem yellah kathaveh thatteh koodaathuleh!"

My thought: Pull her hair and wind it around my fist and swing her ard like how mom used to do to jacky... like a barbie doll! DAMN U! is our privacy so important ? At the price of my MIL's health! wats wrong with ya priorities! or were silently wishing for sth else... i doubt u me dear... u're sly... i dont trust!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

a new look for the new year! hehe howveesit!lolz!

yes i no... i think pink is getting at me... and i jolly well can blame me mom for it! LOLZ!

Friday, April 13, 2007

panguni has ended and chithirei has come... its a brand new year for the indians tmr! a good news indeed... now that i am gg to bank in my cheques and also sign my contract tmr... which were all co incidental... hopefully this is an omen to a great career ahead!

but as always... the gd and bad strikes its balance... behind all the joyous occasions one must remember the bitterness of it too... my grandma has done her fair share of reminding us that every year.... i am not being sarcastic... i mean it...

All i knew of her... are of the vague childish memories i have about her... Sometimes i don't even know if i miss her... cos i nvr got to see her from a mature point of view... the way in which she had passed away was a news i oni heard lately... probably i am amongst the last to no... I oni heard stories of her... other people's perception... i only had a chance to feel the grandmotherly love that any kid would feel... she was a great lullaby singer too... sad how i cant remember much of those songs... i also happened to no that she has been a major influence on my music... sometimes i feel that my ability to sing has come from her... but that is all abt wat i no of her... its a pity really... i wish she was patient enough .... however considering her life... such thoughts nvr occur to simple women like her... anything and everything is absolute... the smallest of things mean the world to them... it is us who should be careful with such people... we shld remember who these people are... and their naivety.... and in turn their vulnerable nature towards our anger and words....

We all love them... but wen we mean the world to them... their very life dangles upon our responsible behaviour

P.S. Then again maybe she had other commitments... :)

"during the month of Chitthirai the marriage of Goddess Meenakshi to Lord Sundareswarar is celebrated as ‘Chitthirai festival’."

juz jokin... it was also mentioned that the speciality of this festival is maanga pachadi... so mommy! any of that tmr?

quoted from.. http://www.chennaibest.com/discoverchennai/citylifestyle/feature14.asp


what a merciless fever! it came back! just wen i was gg to run down for lunch n go to werk for the afternoon...

and i had to run the temp again!! what a waste...

some part of me went like " naa appaveh sonneh! doctor said the fever will go up and down.. dont take advantage of the fact that u feel better..."

but i had to go cos... the friday filing was piling up... imagine three weeks worth of filing (i missed last week's filing cos of gd friday)... omg...

well... now that i have made the necessary calls and all the permissions were granted... i get to stay at home...

and abt the fever... like it has brains... like as though tricking me into remaining at home... has gone down again... haiz...

i think its time i top up my Vit Cs and Es.... and i hope that physical regime i've planned will top up my immunity too...most importantly i hope i carry it out in the first place... but i got no kaki!! anni!!!!!! swim with me la!!!!


a lazy friday morning ... hahaz... a rest that is needed... It was meant to be...

Well here's why...

A perfect thursday morning to work... did all the work i had to... all went well... although i got shelled at by some heavy weight headed executive secretery for a reason as simple "wer is the cookie the jar?" when the cookie wasnt important but it was the jar that was important... empty or not... it all subsided thanks to the smiles and support of my VISA supervisor and stoneforest supervisor and a gd news from HR in Stoneforest( although it was expected)...

Lunch time... time files there... u dont feel useless at any one point in time ... neither do u feel over worked.... So my SF supervisor and I went down to banquet to have lunch cos i thought i needed sth soupy... but the handmade noodles in it was over cooked... and i lost my apetite cos of that... or so i thought... little did i no... that in ten minutes time i'll be trembling like how jacky did wen he first came home.. not cos of fear... but cos of fever... which i had no idea of even then...

I ask a time out( aft much pondering and hesitation)... left the office ... and went rounds to get to a taxi stand... rode to the clinic... where i was found to have a 39degree fever... and he was explaining what kind of symptoms i shld look out for in case of dengue... (oh hell just give me the mc and let me go home and sleep will ya!) then he checked my tummy... ( oh no.. i dont plan to be a mom yet!) lolz... thoughts can run wild... i later realised that it was to check for tight knots at the tummy... then a pricy jab on my "asset" did all the magic... and i took a taxi home.... announced my arrival and reason for it... and ran up to my roon as fast as possible... wanting to avoid all the possible reasons my MIL can think of as to why i ran into a fever.... next thing i knew was i was fast asleep when i rec'ved a fon call... (oh ME HUSBY! i shld tell him i'm fine...) and heres how it turned out...
" Hi! Is this Na-ra-yan-nam....?" ... Grrrr cant they read!!
"ah yes thats me..." ....this better be quick... SF HR is always quick... ya it must be her
"Hey hi! i am calling from Citibank. I see that u have applied for an operations assistant post. Are you free to come down for an interview next monday?" ...Why not call a month later? How long did u think an accts n finance dip grad from poly with a yr's exp will stay unemp..... too bad u'll end up with the filtered!"
"Oh i'm sorry i've already got a job.." ....of all freaking times!!
"oh its ok! thanks!" ... and u sure did a great job and disturbing my sleep too!
And i slept.... and woke up to have my er...evening snack...(sambar saatham).. and some medi... talking on the fon.. catching up with my friend... and we both agreed upon on three year regrets... and how both could do anything to change the way of life due to that... and i talked to my husby then my dad.. we were watching tv... and then our parents came back... and then we went to sleep..

ah... good sleep... a blessing... and i wake up fresh with loads of rest to charge me up for all that i lost for the past one week... a fever that disappeared ... and a chance to go to work late...


I'm being pressurised to quit me job... i wont... but that means i shld score... i hope i do... i must...

u no wat abosolute freedom? the choice to excel cos u want to... Its my personal interest...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

i know its been eons since my last proper posting... hehe sorry for the delay... not much time for the soul searching here... or least no time to type.. :p

well i am still racing for time here... but the defiant me simply wants to do sth other than coming and hitting the books like i've planned and i've always done.. but not always complete... haha!

really i am feeling down... i have no idea wer its from.. maybe its a series of things... maybe its just one thing.. or one person... maybe its nothing... maybe i'm just being a baby... oh hell... i'm sick of pitying of myself... nvr want to visit that feeling ever again... i feel really stupid at the end of it all


my exams are ard the corner... i have a tt which i keep adjusting... even if i follow... i wonder sometimes if i studied for the exam or to reach the quota for day which was set in the TT.... sometimes i get really distracted by loved ones... a sweet irritation... but still an irritation.. lolz!



a husby i love so much (maybe too much.... then again i think there is no such thing as too much but i love u so... :'( ) ... i rarely have time for ... & and so many other things... haiz... sorry me dear....


new job.... not a prob... but drains the energy out of me to be walking on the edge during my working hours.... i enjoy my work no doubt.. but... e-mailing and phone calls can be scary... cos it concerns people's money... not many are receptive to u about this... especially when u're the "loan shark" lolz... not to mention me trying not to make stupid mistakes... which might get the perm staff in visa to think i am just any other gal... i'm making every effort to learn fast... and carry out my activities professionally... not easy w/o proper experience to back that up... but... i think i'll pull thru..


I'm stoning... cos i am scared of feeling all those that i can feel if i let loose the numbness... dont think... just do it... other things will come by...

I dont think its stress... its uncertainty... i think...

I learnt sth... moving on was oni my job... i cant expect it out of others... its painful... but its the truth...

but what i believe still stands... the footprints of your past will always be visible not to hurt u... or weaken u... but to remind you...

I intend to lead a straight forward life... like i've been striving to do so.. all along lately...
there are things i can achieve... and i can be the many things i've wanted to be... i am more than proud to say that i am at least a step closer to that me... i know it more than anyone else... i love the way it is...every difficulty that came by gave me another chance to be proud of myself... i want to keep doing this... its really hm... cool! *leaps in joy!* hehe...

loads on things pending on me... loads of things i want to do... i must do... and for the things i cant do anything to help... and for the things i cant change... and for the things.. which hurt... sadly... i'll make do... and will go pass.... and i think i still lack loads of patience... poor me...


P.S. i got a new kutty mouse... hehe... its white.... with colourful lights.. cute!hehe... (hey! it wasnt impulse buying k? i waited till my projects finished b4 i decided to buy it... :p hehe!)

It's My say

Henceforth, i make a promise..

To respect myself
To know my worth
To treasure my integrity
To choose my faith
To never be deterred by emotions
To never stumble in the name of love
To never question hardship
To never ever entrust my heart
Upon one who knows not it's worth

The One & ONLI

quoted...

Pets.. sweet, lovable, rainbow, sincere, friend, cute, unique

Peeves ..quick tempered, hard thinker, soft hearted, emo queen, mad, ando, soda

Well of WORDS

EXITS

Me cHiThU Ni
Me BrO
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